Babeled

5. A Vampire can only enter your house if invited. Democrats on the other hand invite themselves into your house, your paycheck, your health care, and your retirement.

4. Although equally allergic to religious icons, a Vampire will flee from a crucifix while a liberal will take up a picket sign.

3. A Vampire will politely and directly suck the blood from your veins. A Democrat will slowly bleed you dry through higher taxes.

2. A Vampire will request his steak rare and bloody. A Democrat will debate you on the ecological consequence of raising cattle to the point where you give up and end up eating another lousy tofu burger.

1. A Vampire’s face will not show up in a photograph. Unfortunately, the same cannot be said for Rosie O’Donnell.

All of the focus in national media is  on the presidential election.  McCain or Obama? Palin or Biden? Naturally the decision on the leader of our country’s government is going to attract a lot of attention.  It is important to remember that there are lots of other, smaller positions being decided on election day.  As the candidates campaign hysterically, I urge you to take a step back from the sound and fury of the presidential election and take a moment to understand what else you are voting for.

As a citizen of the state of Pennsylvania, I have a member of the House of Representatives and two members of the General Assembly to cast votes for.  Maybe you will have a senator or a mayor to elect.  Perhaps there will be a referendum for you to decide on.  These are the votes that you are going to be able to cast that will directly impact your day to day life.  Sure, the president oversees it all, but if you don’t like what the government is doing, your first course of action should be to contact your Congressman.

Far too many people show up on election day hell bent to vote for their chosen presidential candidate with no idea of what the other names on the ballot are even going to be.  This is unfortunate as these are the people who will be directly representing your town and interests in the state and national government.  I encourage all of you to research a sample ballot and investigate the records and views of the candidates for state and local government that you may be asked to vote for.  After all, your vote for president will be one of hundreds of millions.  Your vote for state senator or representative might be one of just hundreds of thousands, and that is a vote that can make a difference.

If you were planning on voting for Barack Obama in the 2008 Presidential Elections, then you have already proven your lack of intelligence.  The facts against this Radical are all too apparent.  In the following post I will convince you that voting for Barack Obama will set up a series of events that will lead to the eventual demise of life as we know it.

The Birth of Satan and His Rise To Power

Satan was born on August, 4th, 1961 in Hawaii.  Hawaii hasn’t even been in the Union for 100 years. How unAmerican is that! Satan smoked pot and did coke in high school. What an unclean delinquent.  After college he worked as a community organizer.  Last time I checked community organizers like to stir the pot of dissent, and anybody who approves of dissent must not be happy with America, and therefore community organizers are unAmerican.  Shame on community organizers.  Shame on Obama.

Great Satan then decided to take loans out for Harvard.  Those loans most likely were given out by Sallie Mae, which sounds a lot like Fannie Mae.  While at Harvard, Satan proved his elitism by successfully becoming the first African American president of the Harvard Review.  Upon graduation from Harvard, Satan again proved his elitism by thinking himself too pure and perfect to ever take any of the lucrative jobs he was offered by major corporations and law firms.  What an elitist.

After Harvard, Satan proved his self-absorption by writing a memoir before he even turned 40.  Then he had the audacity to teach constitutional law at University of Chicago Law School.  How can you teach constitutional law if you’ve never written the constitution? It was also during this time period that Satan met his cohort and mistress of evil Bill Ayers.

Bill Ayers and Barack Obama

Bill Ayers is a terrorist. Ayers hates America and blows up people’s houses.  Satan/Obama and Ayers served together on the Woods Fund of Chicago.  The Woods Fund supports non-profit organizations in poverty stricken neighborhoods.  Last time I checked, the real America doesn’t give handouts. This organization is obviously unAmerican.

After becoming best friends, Ayers began formally training Obama in the art of terrorism.  Ayers would often remind the slow-learning Obama that with a middle name like Hussein he was destined to be a terrorist.  Obama’s ability to hypnotize audiences with his well-crafted speeches soon inspired Ayers to develop a masterplan to take over the world and destroy it at the hands of Obama.  Obama, being Satan, reveled in the craftiness and deceit of this plan.

Obama thus began his historic presidential bid.

Evil Emperor Obama

According to an insider for the McCain campaign, this is the truth of Obama’s plan:

After winning the election, Obama will place John McCain in a prison camp for trying to win the election.

Obama will then announce that he is ready to unleash his tax breaks that will fill the pockets of everyone who makes under $250K/yr with money.  The day this plan is to take effect, Obama will contact Ayers, who will then set off bombs in New York and Los Angeles.  That afternoon Obama will announce that the money intended to go to citizens will have to be poured back into the redevelopment of these cities.  Over the next few months Ayers/Obama will continue to bomb major cities in America.  Later that year they will start placing bombs in the major cities of our allies.  All of these terrorist attacks will be blamed on China.

In a show of defiance China will hold their own version of the Olympics that is restricted to Chinese citizens.  The Chinese will win an amazing array of gold, silver, and bronze.  After this celebration of sport, China will nuke America.  We will nuke back.  Iran will nuke Israel.  Israel will nuke all Arab countries.  Africa won’t nuke anybody, but they’ll have to deal with a lot of radiation.

Hidden in a bunker, Obama and Ayers will wait out the worst of it.  Finally, in 2012, towards the end of their term in office, the Terrorist Team will ascend from the ashes to begin a new civilization in the name of Communism.

Obama will officially declare himself King of the World on December 21st of that year.

What Can I Do To Stop This From Happening?

Go back to school.  Get an education.  Realize that intelligence is voting for John McCain.  Realize that the opposite of intelligence is voting for that other guy with the funny name who is friends with a terrorist that wants to destroy the world so as to begin a communist empire.

It’ll happen if you vote Obama. Do what’s right for America. Vote McCain.

South Park is one of my favorite television shows of all time.  The creators, Trey Parker and Matt Stone, are two friends who began this unbelievably fruitful journey as a college project using construction paper and not much else.  These are some of the clips I have been returning to in times of stress to give me a chuckle and forget about how my digital money is digitally declining daily in the stock market. I hope it provides the same escape for you.

Butters’ Internet Debut

South Park’s season 12 episode entitled Canada on Strike brought forth one of the best spoofs on YouTube-esque internet fads.  Canada, fictitiously led by the WGA - World Canadian Bureau (WGA in this instance was meant to mock the Writer’s Guild of America strike at the end of 2007 into early 2008), goes on strike to prove their value to the world.  As Kyle’s little brother, Ike, is an adopted Canadian, he is striking with his fellow countrymen and women; picketing out front of the Brofloski home, starving along with the others on strike.  The boys needed to come up with an idea to make quick cash to pay off the Canadians so the strike would end and Ike would go back to being himself.  This was Cartman’s ingenious solution:

The American Way: Choosing between a Douche and a Turd

This episode aired in October of 2004 during the eigth season, entitled Douche and Turd.  There is so much fodder to mock in the  election process and politics in general, so why not call it out like it really is?  South Park elementary is forced to choose a new school mascot when PETA attacks and condemns the town for being the South Park Cows, arguing that it is cruel to animals.  In this clip, Stan discusses why he doesn’t want to vote and is then paid a little visit by Puff Daddy who is enforcing his version of Rock the Vote:

Big Tobacco Companies and Rob Reiner

And in this corner, from the season 7 episode Butt Out, Rob Reiner and the gang visit a tobacco company in a clever subterfuge to garner anti-smoking support…until the boys see that the people who work there are actually good, happy citizens.  Whenever people chastise me for smoking, I refer them to this:

Why not make fun of Lord of the Rings (even if you are a fan)?

In an epic spoof of the entire LOTR trilogy, Harry Potter, and adult film, the boys embark on a mission, quest, thing….to return the rented DVD to the Two Towers video store.  Here, the boys are pursued by parents and sixth graders alike, attempting to relinquish from their control what is actually “the hottest porno ever made” which was accidentally put in the Lord of the Rings DVD case mistakenly by Stan’s parents.

Towelie

I don’t know what you want to call this episode other than a spoof on kids wanting to play video games more than play outside, but either way, Towelie is a hilarious character.  This stoner of a talking towel is trying to take the boys to a secret base where their video game system is being held hostage in exchange for returning Towelie to his home.

Damn, that was fun.  I only wish I had more time and motivation to put more up.  I am remisced for not delving deeper into the early seasons and conjuring up some of the true classics, but I have trades to make to minimize my losses.  You probably do to, so go stop the bleeding!

Word Power will be a weekly blog that is intended to teach you the etymology and construction of everyday words.  Etymology in short is understanding the origin of words and how the word has evolved throughout history.  Today’s lesson is to understand the etymology of the word republican and other words associated with it.

Republican (Noun):  [re-pub-li-can]

1. One who favors a republic as the best form of government.
2. A member of the Republican party of the United States.  (American Heritage Dictionary)

Etymology

Before Rome was the great Empire that stretched across the majority of Europe, North Africa, and Asia Minor, Rome was a Republic.  The word republican has its origins in the 6th century B.C. when Rome was established as a republic.  In order to understand the word republican, we need to drop off the suffix -an and get right to the root, republic.

Republic (Noun):  [re-pub-lic]

1. A political order in which the supreme power lies in a body of citizens who are entitled to vote for officers and representatives responsible to them.
2. A political order whose head of state is not a monarch and in modern times is usually a president. (American Heritage Dictionary)

Res

Unlike many Latin words, the word res was not used in the ancient greek language or culture.  The definition of res is a thing, matter, affair, object, etc.  There is not much to talk about with this word, except for the fact that its origin comes from the Indo-European root, re-.  Most of us use a derrivative of re- in every day speech, in the form of the word real, which in noun form means a thing having actual existence.

Publicus-a-um

In latin, the word publicus was an adjective that meant belonging to the people.  In two thousand years, the meaning of this word has not changed much.  The word public is commonly used today when referring to people in general.  Additionally, the root publicus can be seen in words such as publication (the act of making public) and pub (slang for a public house).  In 510 B.C., after the fall of the monarchy, Rome established res publica, which literally translated into a matter belonging to the people.  The two words joined in Roman times to form respublica and then when the French got a hold of this word, it became republique.  Eventually through the changing of dialects, the -que dropped off and was replaced by the letter c to make the word republic.

Summary

The term Republican in today’s society usually conjures up images of patriotic elephants and conservative right wing members of the GOP.  Although words and their meanings are an ever changing idea, the literal translation of republican is a person that belongs to all affairs of the people.  So the next time somebody starts talking trash about bipartisan nonsense, inform them that the true definition of the word republican actually means one that is simply involved in the affairs of the people and not one that divides the political process with their own self interests.

Extra Credit

The bipartisan system is not new to governments, actually the two party system has ancient roots firmly planted in the Roman Republic.  However, instead of Republicans and Democrats, they were called plebeians and patricians.  The Plebeians, also referred to as plebs, were the common citizens of the Roman Republic and the patricians were the elite nobles of Rome.  For hundreds of years these two parties clashed with each other trying to get their way and pass self serving legislature.

Tune in next week for the breakdown of the word Democrat.

Image Used In This Post

GOP elephant mascot image courtesy of Flickr user makelessnoise under the CC license.