Babeled

I imagine that if a NeoCon kept a journal, it would read like this:

August 25, 2008

6:30 am: I had a dream that I helped the Great American (God bless) Sean Hannity kick that slimy liberal Alan Colmes off of Fox. Sean told the masses the Truth, and then he handed me an Obama ‘08 tire pressure gauge. I can still feel it in my hand.

6:32 am: The LIBERAL Bohemian sluts stole another McCain ‘08 sign off of my lawn. They replaced it with a picture of Jimmy Carter.

If they think their childish antics will stop this Son of Liberty from my Patroitic duty, they have another thing coming to them. Just because they want to get free handouts and leech out of my wallet doesn’t mean I want everyone to. I hope they at least do something useful in the eyes of Jesus and vote for Nader.

7:43 am: I’m eating an omelette (made from AMERICAN eggs), and then Fox News starts talking about how Obama wants us to LOSE in Iraq. I can feel my blood pressure rising, but I keep listening. He wants AMERICAN (God Bless) Troops to retreat from the field of battle. American Troops have NEVER lost a war before (Vietnam was a TIE), but Osbama wants the world to know that we can lose too.

Why doesn’t he just tax the troops until they lose? It’s easier.

9:01 am: Hey, my commute to work was pretty fast today! Don’t tell anyone, but I’ll gladly pay 2 dollars more a day in gas if it means all of the LIBERALS going to the shore will get off the road. But Foreign Oil and the Radical Muslims are evil, so we should still DRILLHEREDRILLNOW to punch them where it really hurts.

11:44 am: A company-wide email just got sent out stating that profits might be a little lower than “expected,” and that we shouldn’t expect our bonuses to be as big as they were last year. What kind of awful times are we living in? This is all Nancy Pelosi’s fault. The direction this country was headed in was great until the LIBERALS took the helm.

My Bermuda vacation will have to be a week and a half instead of 2 weeks. Who can even relax in that time? I’m going to call her office and demand a refund.

12:13 pm: I just went to the centerpiece of American (God Bless) ingenuity: McDonald’s. I don’t know about all of those other fluffy European countries, but America is so strong that we EXPORT our values.

1:01 pm: I need to take the rest of the day off. More later.

1:37 pm: OK. John was in my cubicle, and we were talking about how we would be forced to finally disagree with a President for the first time in 8 years if the Messiah gets elected, and then he said he’d show me something. He wrote this on the chalk board:

• Obama Bi     den

and asked me if anything seemed strange. I said everything was fine (well, you know what I mean) but the spacing. He then writes

• Obama Bi(n La)den

and my blood chills. My breath goes shallow. I felt the urge to vomit, but I dug deep to the military roots of my cousin’s best friend from the 80’s and I kept it in. I needed to go home from work so that I could do something about this.

This is worse than the Madrassa, funding Hamas, being friends with that guy who bombed the Pentagon, and trying to lose the war in Iraq. This is a warning, put right in front of our faces, and I’m going to do something to stop it.

The LIBERALS of the Great Country of America (God Bless) are going to be sorry for pulling the Blue lever when Obama enslaves the white race.

2:46 pm: I’ve been on hold with Rush for over an hour, and I finally give up. If he’s not going to help me spread the word, I’m going to do that thing the LIBERALS are doing and put it online.

3:17 pm: I’ve been sending emails to all of the major News networks telling them that America (God Bless) is under attack from the LIBERAL forces of darkness. So far they haven’t broken the story on the air. I’ve been flipping through all of the channels. Even Fox News is letting America down.

5:11 pm: I finally get through to the Sean Hannity Show, but the screener says that they don’t have time to put me on the air. I can’t believe it. Maybe he’s going to break the story himself at the DNC and show those traitorous Liberals their REAL Leader at their own gate.

6:13 pm: Steak for dinner! A good start to the week!

9:30 pm: I’m heading to bed. Hours more of expressing outrage online hasn’t seemed to put a dent in the poll numbers that are coming up on Fox. This isn’t over, Osbama Hussein Bi(n La)den.

If you don’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say anything at all…

Now don’t get me wrong I love Star Wars as much as anyone, but come on!

In ancient Greece, the Olympics was an athletic competition between city states that only free men who spoke Greek were allowed to participate in.  Furthermore, athletes had to qualify, have their name in the lists and take an oath before Zeus that they had been training for 10 months or more.  Also, only the most youthful and vigorous of Greeks were allowed to participate.  It was an elitist event in every sense of the word, as only upper class Greeks who met very specific criteria were allowed to participate.

As a child I had a vague unrefined dream of one day being some kind of Olympic athlete.  It was borderline ridiculous, considering I had no interest in sports and limited athletic aptitude.  Even if I did have an amazing athletic ability to run or swim really fast, I probably never would have made it to the Olympics.  The traditional elitism of the Olympic games would have held me back.

These athletes train for hours a day, every day for years.  Do you know what that sounds like to me? A job.  It sounds to me like you can’t really have a job and be an Olympic athlete, which means you have to have an alternative financing method.  You need a source of income, and generally it has to be a lot of income.  For a lot of people, this income comes from their rich parents.  Other people have sponsors or benefactors, but you can not really acquire a sponsor or benefactor until you have already demonstrated much promise in some arena of Sport.

To achieve the  caliber of athleticism and skill necessary to be competitive, you also need to hire a coach, preferrably a coach who’s only job is coaching you and only for hours a day, every day for years.  Coaches don’t work for free, and they don’t really work for cheap either.  Furthermore, coaches are generally arrogant, elitist narcissists who only want to be known for having coached winners.  You have to show them that you are worth their time, even if you are paying them.

A lot of the sports we find in the Olympic games today are the kind of sports that underprivileged kids just don’t have any opportunity to participate in in the first place.  Sports such as fencing, tennis and rowing are the purview of the very rich, country-club-attending upper echelon of our society.  There are other sports included in the Olympic games that are more accessible to every level of society, but high class sports are certainly favored.

The Olympic games were and are an elitist endeavor designed for rich people to amuse themselves while extorting money out of the lower classes who are convinced to adulate the athletes and purchase Olympics paraphernalia.  They rope you in when you are small with promises of athletic glory and world fame.  Upon your inevitable failure as a member of the working class to ever become an Olympic level athlete, you are left to buy a little hat with five rings on it and watch the Olympics on television while being bombarded by advertisements.  I am not suggesting that anyone do anything to make this any less of a ridiculous elitist athletic spectacle.  I’m just saying that it is one.

The past two days I was in Washington D.C. visiting my grandmother and she said we were getting a personal guide at a museum called Udvar-Hazy (pronounced: ood-var-ha-z). I didn’t find out until later that this museum was named after aviation businessman, Steven F. Udvar-Hazy, who donated $60 million of his own money to build it.  Well, when she told this to me, I said “where?”, thinking she was bringing me to this obscure crazy museum that would probably bore the hell out of me. Well, like usual, I was wrong. Instead of utter disappointment, the museum was actually just as awesome as the original Smithsonian National Air & Space Museum located around the National Mall.

Udvar-Hazy is located on the southeast corner of the land that hosts the Dulles International Airport. The building is shaped like a giant hangar and this Boeing Aviation Hangar is filled with aeronautics from floor to ceiling. The museum featured planes and helicopters from every U.S. war. The museum actually houses the first helicopter, along with military planes from every U.S. war, from WWI to the Korean War. The cool part was that they had each planes counterpart in combat paired with them. So, you could really see different advantages and disadvantages each plane had, such as the size, location of the turrets, etc. Nevertheless, while there should be mention of all the aeronautics in this place, there were really four highlights of the museum.

1. Lockheed SR-71 - [Aka. Blackbird] This plane, which was developed in 1964 to hold reconnaissance missions in the Vietnam War, proved to be extremely effective due to it’s supersonic speed and slim body style. None were ever lost in enemy combat.
2. Enola Gay - The B-29 Superfortress that dropped the first nuke in our world’s history on Hiroshima to end WWII.
3. Space Shuttle Enterprise - One of six space shuttles that were built by NASA for space exploration, however Enterprise was built with no engines and was never used to go into space. It has been used by NASA for atmospheric tests since its inception.
4. The Concorde - Another supersonic jet that was used, however this one was for commercial use and was retired in 2003 by Air France. Only to eventually be donated to the Udvar-Hazy Museum.

These were the “Big Four”, but I want to make mention of the Hurricane (WWII), Spitfire (WWII), F4 Phantom (Vietnam), and the Virgin Atlantic Global Flyer (first nonstop flight around the world). If you are a fan of aeronautics, then you would love this place. If you are a fan of military history, you would love this place. All in all, I strongly recommend that you check Udvar-Hazy out.

Image Used In Post

SR-71 “Blackbird” image courtesy of Flickr user srossi published under CC license.

We all know that Jesus Christ, son of Source, taught us to turn the other cheek.  But sometimes our unsightly humanness gets the better of us.  Alas, sweet revenge is needed.  We have all been wronged before to some degree or another, and we will all be wronged again; it is how we respond to such strife that defines us.

There are those among us, Greg Rineberg not excluded, who are classic over reactors and there are those who habitually look the other way, like the until now unseen Jeff Ruemeli.  For the rest of us we wallow somewhere in the middle.  It is this very middle ground that serves as great theater to the epic mastery of revenge, the best of which is always served ice cold.

The form of retribution that I am about to present before you is to be contemplated carefully so as to determine whether it classifies as an appropriate form of revenge.  This plan of action is by no means a creation of my own, that distinction is reserved for Eric Zane of the Free Beer and Hot Wings radio show.  What we are about to discuss is known simply in talk radio circles as - The Upper Decker.

Instead of describing what it is right off the bat, I’ll just outline the steps to revenge:

1. Enter the bathroom of the suspect in dire need of payback
2. Remove the lid to the upper tank of the toilet
3. Perch your feet on the toilet seat pigeon style and hover your backside over the tank
4. Proceed to drop deuce into said tank

And that’s it, you have just really ruined someones day.  Ideally it will be some time before the marinating source of fecal filth is determined, at which point all of the inner workings of what makes indoor plumbing so special will have been overtaken by last week’s McDonald’s.

But now for the core of the matter.  Is this a just punishment fitting of its crime?  Are there certain acts of misfortune that warrant the carpet bombing of another citizens bathroom?  I’m not so sure and here’s why:

How can you be certain the bastard who wronged you is the one that will have to clean it up?  What if happens to be a lesser employee of a piss poor business that won’t give you your money back?  Or the maid of some rich jerk?

I am of the opinion that grounds for an Upper Decker can only be warranted if there is near 100% certainty that its target will be the one to play cleanup.  Otherwise this grotesque and juvenile act must be held in abeyance in favor of a different and more appropriate form of revenge.

Image Used in this Post

Fish Tank Toilet image courtesy of Flickr user Fire Monkey Fish published under the CC license.