Babeled

Popular opinion would say that the start of reality television began with MTV’s The Real World. This is not true. Reality television, a malignant tumor upon our airwaves, boasts roots that grow far deeper than MTV. Reality television is about giving an average person the ability to have fifteen minutes of fame on the old tube. Ever hear of game shows? While this brand of reality television is crude, the networks had to start somewhere. Game shows are to American Idol like the WW I propeller planes are to today’s F-22 fighter jet. Reality television continues to grow in leaps and bounds, giving rise to new programs taking advantage of the unsuspecting viewing audience in ever greater numbers. Like game shows, reality TV is cheap programming for TV networks. No actor salaries, minimal set and production costs, and better yet, you get to put poor fools in deplorably degrading situations for the entertainment of others. What’s the downside? For the networks: none. For everyone else: the continuous demise of intelligent AND entertaining programming. Every time a reality show graces my television for longer than five minutes I immediately lose 10 points from my IQ.

Popularity: 3% [?]

The radio departed Kidd Chris has sunk to a new level and descended into the realm of the bloggers with his Hot Steamy Blog.  Earlier this morning I saw a bulletin come through from Kidd Chris’ MySpace page announcing his new venture in blogging.  As a big time fan of his, this was uplifting news as I can still be exposed to Foley’s rants and ravings even though he is off the air.

The site has only been up for a few days, but there have already been several posts.  Kidd Chris is a hard worker who is dedicated to his craft and to his fans.  Considering the new found spare time he has I would expect his blog to be a very active place.  No to mention this will keep us fans in the loop regarding his next career move.

I am a little disappointed though as it does not seem anyone can leave comments yet.  Hopefully this will change over time as it would be nice to have some back and forth interaction with the shock jock himself.

Popularity: 3% [?]

I’ve always imagined that if Neo-Conservatives were to keep journals, they would read as follows:

June 10, 2008

6:30 am: I woke up and immediately checked the lawn for any traces of the liberal who put the Obama sign in my yard Saturday. I am tempted to move my statue of Reagan onto the lawn for a few days so that the Williams family down the street doesn’t think that I’m… like that. I also checked the garage for signs of terrorists.

7:01 am: I saw a picture of Barack HUSSEIN Obama on the cover of the newspaper and threw it in the garbage. If that’s the crap that the media is going to try to feed me, I’m going to find the news myself.

7:43 am: I was eating cornflakes (an AMERICAN cereal) and Fox News said that Osbama is a Muslim. I’ve suspected this for over a year. More on this story as it develops.

8:24 am: I can’t find my morning American Flag lapel pin. My wife suggested that I go without the pin for a day. I suspect she secretly wishes that we would harbor terrorists in our house.

8:30 am: I hopped into my American Ford Truck and headed to work. John down the street tried betting me that it was manufactured in Canada, but I didn’t even look and told him that God as my witness it was an American Truck. He still refuses to pay me the money. If I had a chance to put somebody on the No-Fly list, his name would go on it in a heartbeat. Throw him into Guantanamo! I bet he doesn’t have any idea what it’s like in the armed services, serving the Great United States Of America. My cousin’s best friend was in the National Guard in the 80’s, so I know all about sacrifice.

8:47 am: Why the hell are all of these jerks going only 5 over the speed limit? I can afford to go a hell of a lot faster than this. There can only be a few possibilities, and I don’t like any of them.

1. They all are driving slow to save gas and “save” the environment. This is crap, as it has been proven that we have a limitless supply of gas under the earth.
2. They all can’t afford to expend any extra money on gas, and can’t drive faster now. They should get off their hippie asses and get a real man’s job.

11:15 am: On my cigarette break, I heard Rush say that Obama wants to make anyone who makes more than 100k a year pay 90% of their yearly salary in taxes. I was so angry I almost used the name of Our Great Lord in vain. Dan and I decided that the liberal politicians are a vitriolic cancer on the liver of our Great God Blessed Nation. Rush also said that Obama would want to personally fund Hamas, with whom he is best friends and it has been proven by Fox News. I’m kicking myself on not seeing the link before.

3:55 pm: Change the National Color Coded Terror Alert Level to red. It would match the color of my face. I heard one of the interns say that Bush is not good, not average, but an awful president. The person (from finance, I forget his name. Whatever, I have a better job) even agreed! It’s no wonder that they have such a low station in life. If they can’t even show the President of the Great United States of America (God Bless America) the respect that is deserved, they will never make it. They might respond that Clinton was disrespected by Republicans, but he committed a sin against God. Unforgiveable.

5:21 pm: I heard on the radio from Hannity that McCain might lose to Obama in our state. It’s only a matter of time before the Muslim terrorists are in the White House and make us attack Isreal with the money they took from me in taxes. I will consider liberal-proof bomb shelters for our house, and it’ll need to last 100 years, because the liberals will have no respect for our Constitution of the Great Land of America (God Bless). I almost yelled out an unforgiveable word, but the Jesus figurine staring at me from my dashboard reminded me of the Christian principles for which I stand wholeheartedly.

6:13 pm: My daughter tried telling me that I should think about how it feels to be poor in a developing country, and that maybe I should give them money. It almost goes without saying that I sent her to bed without dinner. I don’t know what liberal garbage they teach in these Madrassa schools they have kids go to nowadays. She can come out if she admits that the current “recession” (which it isn’t by the strictest definitions and I can still afford everything, so I don’t know why the liberal media is attacking Bush) wasn’t the fault of anyone, and that Ronald Reagan is the greatest leader that the world has ever seen.

7:00 pm: My wife tried to turn off Fox to watch something else. My suspicions from earlier are growing.

9:13 pm: I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how great George Bush is. He has managed to fight the terrorists, something that Bill Clinton never did. Did he ever attack Al Qaeda? I don’t think so. In fact, I know he didn’t. Before a year was up Bush got his butt into gear and avenged American blood. All you ever see from the liberals is taxing and retreating. It’s unimaginable that any sane person would elect them. Half of the country must therefore be insane, and should be sent to their own liberal island so that they can tax and run away from each other while talking to terrorists.

10:30 pm: I put coffee in the coffee pot for tomorrow and found my American Flag lapel pin. My week isn’t ruined.

Popularity: 12% [?]

Let me ask you something, have you ever drank piss?

No? … of course not, I mean why would you?

Let’s go back to my TCNJ student residence in 2002, the ruinous Centennial Hall. This building was in such a state of disrepair as to be unworthy of rapists and pedophiles. Naturally it was a good fit for the unfortunate souls destined to occupy its asbestos laden berths.

Fortunately a couple of friends of mine from Freshman year (who will remain nameless under the necessary conditions as stated in the Babeled Anonymity Act) suffered the same merciless fate. These two poor souls from Rutherford, New Jersey, were thrown into lock-down with myself, Jason Morgan, and the soon-to-be kicked out of his house for eating his mother’s salad, Gregory Rineberg.

The Rutherfordians were strategically positioned halfway down the hall. It was well situated for scouting out the unwanted presence of higher authorities while microwaved citrus fruit was being thrown against the rotting walls. Not to mention their room was closer to the exits, and ultimately closer to escape from what was a real life pit of despair.

But enough with the setup and on with the embarrassment. Everyday, for about two weeks straight I would bust into the Rutherfordian’s domicile and announce my entrance with a, “F*cking Moose” call. I would proceed to take a cup-less swig out of their gallon of apple juice. You know the kind with the plastic handle attached to the lid that allows you to hold it from above. Keep in mind this was college, and I had the requisite absence of hygiene, manners, and respect for personal property. Due to the proximity of their fridge in relation to the door it was all too easy to barge in and help myself to some wholesome apple juice. So basically I just washed, rinsed, and repeated this process tirelessly for about eleven days… until one day.

Revenge is a drink best served cold

And one day it happened, and oh how the mighty had fallen. Instead of my predictably obnoxious Krameresque entrance, I threw a change up and sauntered into the room. I opened up that fridge, grabbed the apple juice and belted out a “F*cking Moose”. And then it happened - PISS. Ice cold piss. Now I’m not talking just a little bit on the tip of my tongue either. This was a full gulp. It all happened in slow motion you see, and as the ammonia based liquid made its way down, the two nameless souls turned from their computers only to lock eyes with me in absolute shock and awe. What proceeded was a drawn out NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOO….. in unison. And at that precise moment it hit me. I was chugging piss.

What came next was an epic expulsion, Krakatoa times two. I sprayed that garbage with impunity as I spattered the room. After this barbaric turn of events all that was left to do, aside from hang my head in shame, was to head to the bathroom where I proceeded to brush my teeth for about 90 minutes - and that is not an exaggeration. Believe me when I say that I could taste the error of my ways for weeks to come, and even now, six years later I am getting sick just thinking about it.

This personal atrocity has been brought to you by the letter P and the number Zero.

Popularity: 9% [?]

After being fired just two weeks ago, little word has come from the Kidd Chris camp. A few days back, the first little breadcrumb was dropped on the Kidd Chris MySpace page. The site had been updated with two very conspicuous photos (pictured in this post) spelling out K1DD CHR15 (note the 115). Something tells me Mr. Foley is making his jump to satellite radio.  He has a well documented friendship with the reclusive Howard Stern, who has repeatedly tried to recruit Chris’ services on behalf of Sirius Satellite Radio.

Only tell will tell what will happen, but it is a safe bet that Kidd Chris’ time on terrestrial radio is a thing of the past.

Popularity: 8% [?]

I’ve been playing a real guitar for about nine years.

As a self-taught guitarist I’ve been forced to explore all different avenues of learning just to compensate for the guidance that would have come had I sought a seasoned teacher.

When attempting to learn any musical instrument the fundamental element that needs to be mastered is rhythm. But, rhythm is a very mysterious thing.

There are many references within folklore to the Rhythmic Curse - you either have rhythm or you don’t. In my opinion, this presumption of Nature over Nurture is misleading, and I have no doubt it has kept many potential musicians from exploring the craft.

Rhythm can definitely be learned. For those of you who doubt this claim, go out and buy yourself a copy of Guitar Hero, pick one song, and then dedicate some time to mastering it. Start on Easy, progress to Hard. Soon enough you will destroy it on Expert. This is called learning: Progress is proportional to effort exerted over time.

Guitar Hero is the perfect template for learning rhythm, and it is an excellent transitional tool for anyone interested in learning real guitar. Once you have mastered a song you will have acquired the ability to coordinate using all the fingers on your left hand (except the thumb) in complex patterns that are set to a steady beat which is being laid down by your right hand.

The real transitional device here is muscle memory. Those with a genetic predisposition for attuning to rhythm have a foundation of rhythmic muscle memory that only gets stronger, more habitual, with age. This quality is assumed to be character (”that person is so musical, etc…), when it is really just muscle memory, a purely physical attribute.

For those born without rhythm, Guitar Hero is the perfect tool to retrain your muscles. If you want to solo on a real guitar, dedicate one year to mastering “Sunshine of Your Love” by Cream on Hard, and I promise you will have a leg up on somebody who hasn’t done this.

Image Used in this Post

Guitar-hero-yessssss courtesy of Playstatic

Popularity: 8% [?]

With the fourth installment of the Indiana Jones series set to release this Thursday, there has been much hype and anticipation surrounding the movie. Will it be good? Will it be bad? Well I don’t know, you’ll have to watch it and let me know. However, recently I heard that Indiana Jones could have been inspired by an actual person in history. Furthermore, his name was Hiram Bingham III. So I did a little research and found out that Hiram Bingham was the guy that discovered the Peruvian “Lost City” Machu Picchu.

Hiram Bingham discovered Machu Picchu in 1911 after the city had been entirely forgotten about for years. He authored a best-selling book, the Lost City of the Incas in 1948, chronicling his adventure. After his return to the United States, he attained the rank of Captain in the Connecticut National Guard. He eventually became an aviator and organized the United States Schools of Military Aeronautics, as well as commanded an aviator school in France. When he wasn’t exploring lost cities and flying planes, he was a professor at Harvard University and Yale University. He served as a preceptor at Princeton University under Woodrow Wilson. Bingham was heavily involved in politics and was the elected governor of Connecticut in 1924. His educational resume was most impressive as he received degrees from Harvard, Yale, and University of California (Berkeley).

While Bingham seems like the inspiration for the character Indiana Jones, both Spielberg and Lucas do not confirm that Indiana was inspired by anyone in particular. However, after learning about Hiram Bingham, I am convinced that this guy was the Indiana Jones of the early 20th century.

Image Used in this Post

Machu Picchu image courtesy of Flickr user Michael McDonough published under the CC license.

Popularity: 10% [?]

Update: The alleged nature of this claim is now moot; Kidd Chris has been officially Imus’d by 94.1 WYSP. Reaction on Thomas’ MySpace page and the total removal of all things Kidd Chris from the WYSP web-page are clear indicators of the sudden departure.

Driving in to work this morning, on a dreary Friday, I did not have the usual comfort of Kidd Chris. Instead 94.1 WYSP was playing a garbled mess of best-of material and and 90s rock music. When the station went to commercial there was a WYSP announcement mentioning the postponement of the Kidd Chris Birthday Show, which was scheduled for tonight at the Whiskey Tango. Quickly the panic set in and I knew the something was wrong, very wrong - either someone died or someone got fired.

Well it turns out Kidd Chris has been displaced because of a racial song parody (performed by show regular, Lady Gash) that was played during his morning show back in late March. The song only played for a day before it was yanked off the air by CBS officials when an investigation was then immediately launched. I was in Germany at the time and was unable to hear the song so I cannot comment on its content, but I will admit Kidd Chris does push the racial envelope often. However, he destroys every envelope (in South Park fashion) so I think it is fair and balanced and falls under the protection of free speech - but that’s another story.

My bigger concern is what I am going to listen to for an hour and twenty minutes every morning? I’m sure as hell not going to listen to Preston & Steve. It looks like I am going to have to get Sirius and go back to my Howard roots. And as far as the Stern front goes, Howard and Kidd Chris are very close, Howard has repeatedly offered Chris air-play and his own show with Sirius. Look for that as a potential landing zone for the Kidd Chris show. It’s a real shame though, Kidd’s content was a perfect fit for Philadelphia miscreants.

Popularity: 23% [?]

A lot of people [thing to be improved]. In fact, this is fairly common. [cost number 1] is the common argument against [improvement], and most people value their [cost number 2] too much to consider anything but [thing to be improved].

However, there are a growing number of people interested in [improvement], so I have written a step-by-step guide, as I myself have been [verb form of improvement] for many years. I find it [positive experience 1], [positive experience 2], and it reduces my [noun].

[Quote by somebody you've never heard of in favor of the idea.]

[Optional: bulleted list]

~ [Some magazine you'd never read] 2005

It is true that a lot of people are worried about [cost number 1] when considering [improvement], but it turns out this is actually [marginalizing adjective] if you [ancillary skill to be developed]. Not only that, but with a little extra work, [cost number 2] can be [weasel words understating the difficulty of minimizing cost 2].

Everything You Need

First, it is useful to know that you have everything you need at hand.

Things you will need

1. [Obvious object]. This goes without saying.
2. [Non-obvious quantity] [Obvious object]. I experimented for a long time, and this is the [validation of non-obvious amount].
3. [Weird object]. A lot of people will [negative adjective] at the idea, but it turns out that [insightful but flawed reason for including weird object].
4. [Positive adjective] [Common object]. I can not understate ‘[Positive adjective] enough! Many people ignore this, but rest assured that this will affect the outcome. You may feel like you are avoiding [cost 2] if you do this step, but this will affect the quality of [improvement], rendering this whole guide worthless.
5. [Unrelated object. Example: A cup of coffee]

The Process

As with all things, [noun] is the most important part of this process. Failure to [utilize noun] correctly will obviously lead to [mildly disastrous consequence]. You will then need to [undesirable action], so let’s try to avoid that and [utilize noun] properly! Don’t say I didn’t warn you!

The Steps

1. [Easy-to-overlook preparation step]. DO NOT FORGET THIS! If you do not, [improvement with proper definite or indefinite article] will [undesirable outcome].
2. [Obvious step].
3. [Obvious step]. However, when I do it, [non-obvious, but unimportant, twist].
4. [Obvious step]. This is a step that most people breeze over, but you must [obsessive behavior], otherwise [mildly negative adjective] [noun] will happen.
5. [Non-obvious step]. This is where I generally deviate from the common practice. I find that [subjective observation].
6. [Finishing touches]
7. [Verb] [Unrelated object]. You’re done!

As you can see, this is not a very difficult process, and with a little practice, you can easily perfect it. Your first attempt may or may not [positive verb] on the first try, but with a little practice, [another positive verb].

Minimizing [cost 2]

Obviously, [cost 2] still could be a deterrant. However, developing [ancillary skill] requires only a little bit of [cost 3], but the results are well-worth it.

There you have it! I hope this guide was able to help somebody.

Note: Author is [impressive title] at [company you've never heard of]. [Pronoun] also enjoys [activity you don't care about] and [activity that almost killed you as a kid] with his [improbably glowing description of family].

Image used in this post: blah.jpg. Author: Jake Voytko. Released under CC Attribution license.

Popularity: 16% [?]

This little clip certainly delves back many years into the BIll O’Reilly archive, but I found Bill’s episode to be extremely entertaining. It looks like he had some anger issues to contend with before he became The Factor we all love to hate. Enjoy…

The Factor certainly needs to author an audio book for America’s youth so that this little clip can find its way into the story.

Popularity: 10% [?]