2009 was not necessarily a good year. Not by any means. But for some reason that remains a mystery to me, Daniel Scocco over at Daily Blog Tips is hoping to make a compilation of posts aimed at helping us all remember the year that we are all trying to forget. Here is my contribution to the 2009 in Review Group Writing Project.
Just about every man woman and child on the planet saw some form of hardship in the year that we would all like to forget. But, in the unlikely event that you would like to remember something about 2009, here’s a list of the top 9 news stories of the year:
9. Barack Obama Inaugurated as President
Just a few years ago, few had heard of the man. By January of 2009, every human being on the planet with access to a TV or computer knew who Barack Obama was. His inauguration was one of the most expensive parties in history. As the first African American to occupy the office, he will forever be remembered as a major milestone in the civil rights movement. His policies are yet to be judged by history. My blood pressure may never recover.
8. Michael Jackson Dies
When the King of Pop died under mysterious circumstances, the music world and the news media were in a state of chaos. How should he be remembered: as a musician, a child molester, the victim of an abusive father, or just misunderstood? His funeral was the second most expensive party in history. Macaulay Culkin may never be the same.
7. Water Discovered on the Moon
When an unmanned probe made a kamikaze run at the Earth’s largest satellite, an unexpected 24 gallons of the life sustaining liquid were spotted in the cloud of dust that ensued. This just may hold to key to permanent colonization and mining of resources on the moon.
6. Swine Flu Will Kill Us All
OK, so maybe the H1N1 virus didn’t pan out to be the global killer that the media was hoping for. But it did cause quite a stir. Move over SARS, Bird Flu, and Anthrax, there’s a new Pathogenic Sheriff in Town and he’s worse than any pig you ever met.
5. Somali Pirates
Soon Disney World will need to add AK47 toting Somalis on speed boats to its popular attraction. The new menace to global trade has caused quite an uproar. The Maersk Alabama survived not one, but two separate attacks using high tech security devices and good old fashioned fire power. Somehow, a Somali crying “ar” does nothing for me.
4. Pakistan Joins the Fight
After making attempts to appease Taliban exiles in the Swat Valley, Pakistan is now the eastern front in the War on Terror. At stake is nothing more than an arsenal of nuclear warheads.
3. Iran Election Riot
What CNN ignores, Twitter covers. When hundreds of thousands of Iranian youth took to the streets to protest a rigged election, the Ayatollahs and Ahmadinejad sent an army of plain-clothed thugs on mopeds to put down the rebellion. Could this be a sign that the regime which ushered in the era of modern Islamic terrorism is about to fall?
2. Russia Turns off the Gas
Just when you thought Russian intimidation and KGB style thugs were a relic of the past. Here comes Vladimir Putin and his pandering lap dog Dmitry Medvedev. It seems extortion is the new Russian (or should I say Soviet?) national pastime. When you can’t squeeze a few more dollars out of the nations that used to belong to you, then why not shut off the flow of natural gas to an entire continent in the dead of winter? To this day, Europe wonders if the Russians will turn off the heat again this year. Natural Gas – it’s the new oil.
1. The Financial Collapse
We’re broke. All of us. I mean like MC Hammer broke. That just about sums it up. Ponzi schemes, bail outs, golden parachutes, and government take overs abound. It makes one wonder who’s been running our financial system…
“We’re advising our clients to put everything they’re got into canned food and shotguns.” ~Gremlins 2.
~Man Overboard
Images used in this Post
2009 photo courtesy of Flickr user Mosieur J. published under the CC license.
7 Comments
Justin Timberlake woke up with a renewed sense of purpose the day after #8 happened…
The Swine Flu scare tactics this year have done nothing but infuriate me. According to reports from the CDC about 4,000 people have died as a result of the H1N1 virus. The CDC also reports that the normal, seasonal flu that you typically think of kills an estimated 36,000 people annually. WTF? Screw Swine Flu and the hog it rode in on.
The worst part of it is the mass panic of sheep-like citizens we have in this pathetic excuse for a country. Home of the brave, indeed. I was in the doctor’s office behind two people, each of whom asked for the Swine Flu shot. Are they not aware that flu shots are at best masturbation and at worst paralytic? Hate all of you morons.
What the hell were you doing in a doctor’s office? That has to be the first time in like about a decade.
Trying to get back on the quit-smoking bandwagon so I went to get some Chantix. Of course I was forced to get a full physical since I wasn’t able to remember the last time my presence graced a doctor’s office. At least my cholesterol dropped 16 points from when I had it tested five years ago. Kinda awesome. Bad part was they still want it to go lower. Doctors are never satisfied, bastards.
Yeah, what was with the media blackout when the CDC finally came out and said H1N1 was similar to this year’s strain. Or that H1N1 was similar to the strain that caused the 1968 pandemic, so if you made it out of that alive, you’d be fine. Nope, all we got was sensationalistic bullshit about the end of civilization.
end rant, exit stage left
Swine flu is a gay fish
Hahaha, I just wet myself.
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[...] Top 9 News Stories of 2009: Just about every man woman and child on the planet saw some form of hardship in the year that we would all like to forget. But, in the unlikely event that you would like to remember something about 2009, here’s a list of the top 9 news stories of the year. (by Jack Gamble) [...]