Two years ago today, I made the career change from Commercial Fisherman to Nuclear Engineer. As you might imagine, a paradigm shift in workplace vernacular was in order.
What a shock I was in for when I hung up the slickers and put on the khakis. So, for those of you preparing to make the transition from job site to office, here is a short list of what you might hear in the office and what it really means:
1. Moving Forward
This term is generally used by high level managers to describe the end of a debate and all the new work you have to do. A more direct approach would be to say “End of conversation, from now on you just have to do more.”
2. Outside of Our Scope
It’s not in my job description or the lettering on my office window so I’m not doing it.
3. Improvement Opportunity
You suck.
4. Think Outside the Box
This is the alpha and the omega of things that piss me off. So let me get this straight, in order to make a request for originality, you are going to dust off the most unoriginal slogan that you heard for the first time ten years ago in an Infinity car commercial with some British guy whom you think must be smart because he speaks with a foreign accent? I have an idea, why don’t we reword the phrase and say “ponder while not within the confines of the metaphorical cube that has manifested itself in the form of a preconceived notion of outcome.”
5. New Expectations
You have to do more and get paid the same. Congratulations, your life just got that much more miserable.
6. Shoot From the Hip
Once an admirable quality in a worker, this derogatory, yet cowboy statement is meant to imply that your actions are rushed and not properly thought out. You know, like your supervisors vocabulary.
7. Push Back
Waa
8. Low Hanging Fruit
All that other stuff is too hard, so we’re only going to do the easy stuff and then pat ourselves on the back.
9. Bottom Line
It’s tired and been done before, but just in case you are wondering, this term is used to describe the last figure in an account spreadsheet. The bottom line is your net gain or loss. In literal terms this is used (ad nauseum) to deflate any point you might be making and imply a sense of ‘that’s not important right now.’
I know I’m not alone in this. Let’s hear it folks. What are your favorite annoying repetitive slogans that are uttered across the conference table in a virtual game of workplace lingo pong?
P.S. If one of my many bosses is reading this, I love my job and look forward to new challenges everyday. Please don’t fire me.
~Man Overboard
Image used in this Post
Mountain of Paperwork image courtesy of Picasa user Mark published under the CC license.
19 Comments
Anything with the word synergy in it.
Jack is there any chance we will get a post listing some of the more colorful euphemisms that are often heard on a commercial fishing vessel?
A very unsafe for work post seems like just what the doctor ordered.
TPS Reports?
Sorry Andrew, but that does not count.
No. 4 used to drive me nuts in my ad design days. The salesholes used to tell us “Please be creative!” when making their ad (you know, “think outside the box and do something really original”). So, you would.
What would inevitably happen? The next day, the saleshole would complain to a boss that you didn’t follow their instructions (since they would give you a layout with the info that would go in it), and you’d get yanked in the office.
So what’s the moral of the story? You’re only allowed to “think outside of the box” if it conforms to the company’s expectations — ie, “We want you to think in an original fashion, but your ideas better fall into the realm of what we we want.”
Just can’t win.
How about the word leverage?
Manage Expectations.
Translation: we’re not capable of doing this internally, have no money to do it externally, so we are going to convince the client why their idea is not necessary in a passive aggressive manner.
Challeng
Meaning problems, obstacles, insufferable co-workers and possibly devestating consequences…and we aren’t capable of doing anything about it.
Quit putting a positive spin on it.
We need to trim the fat in order to get more lean.
i’m pretty sure “think outside the box” is the most irritating word used.
how could that be any more specific ?
I hear you Robb. I’m genuinely insulted when I’m told to think outside the box.
“From a ____ perspective.” I’m still not sure why bosses believe it’s possible to walk a mile in the shoes of your most recent project, but otherwise this phrase makes no sense. I assume they want me to empathize with the project, perhaps even give it a hug and let it cry on my shoulder as the deadline passes and my interest wanes.
“Robust”. Is it just where I work, or is everyone else inundated with people calling things robust when they aren’t really sure which positive adjective to use?
Working in IT, I hear robust constantly. At any given 3:00 meeting of the minds you are guaranteed to hear the following diatribe coming from a director’s office:
Come again?
Oooh you left out “the ask” instead of “request.”
“So my ask is that you pick this up next Thursday.”
PAOSDKPSODKPALSKT@)*WF
OMG, I had to immdiately come to this post after filling out my request for travel. So it appears that a limo is coming to my house and taking me to an airport so I can fly to Silicon Valley and provide support to our primary government client for 2 days. I cannot tell you any more than that….
But when I saw the note that explained what was “Mission Essential” about the trip, I cracked up and had to come here…
Sounds like we can reduce the deficit by not sending limos to pick up people to go to the airport for government travel. They don’t want people to have health care but they have no problem sending extravagant vehicles for travel…priorities aren’t all screwed up or anything.
“out the back-door”
I don’t know if this one applies for anyone other than me, but when my managers talk about getting things out the back-door, that means, “get a bunch of stuff sold on paper by friday so we can show the corporate folks some badass week-ending numbers in our meeting. Then you can spend saturday touching-up, boxing-up, printing shipping labels and being miserable in general. All the while WE get to sit at home and watch college football knowing I’ll be getting a bonus soon thanks to all your hard work.”
/rant
So it sounds like “out the backdoor” means the boss gives it to you in the backdoor. This is an excellent example, thanks rhobere!