Grim news has just come down from Mr. Spacely: The sagging economy has hit Babeled hard and cut backs are needed. It is now incumbent upon yourselves to argue why you should be the one who is fired from this esteemed organization. The Babeler who makes the most compelling case in favor of their website worthlessness will be spared his job for the foreseeable future.
Andrew Blanco
There is absolutely no reason at all why I should remain a staff writer for Babeled. Here are some truths to consider about my worthlessness:
- My ability to write coherently is the equivalent of a 3rd grade special ed class attempting to duplicate the Mona Lisa with finger paint.
- I don’t use Stumble Upon, Twitter, or Facebook. My ability to gain new (any) fans and new (any) readers of my material is completely shot by my refusal to “network socially”. It also doesn’t help that my favorite form of social networking is sending quotes of my writing to random people via carrier pigeon.
- I’m the only Babeler born and raised in North Jersey. Being from an advanced urban culture, I lack the ability to write from a “jersey shore” state of mind or from a “rural south” state of mind. I mean come on, I didn’t even step foot in a Wawa until after I was old enough to drive a car.
- My Spanish genetics have gifted me with the ability to be a way better lover than anyone else at Babeled. Aren’t you guys tired of being jealous?
- I’m a guy and I practice yoga. Talk about a contradiction.
- I sincerely mean it when I say that Undercover Brother is the 4th greatest movie ever made. That should be a clear sign that I have no idea what I’m talking about and that my sound judgement has been officially out to lunch for longer than my bad memory can remember.
- Have I mentioned that I’m Spanish?
Gregory Rineberg
I think I should be let go for the following reasons:
- I am a mouthbreather.
- I suck at punctuation and writing clear concise grammatically correct sentences.
- I stress myself out before writing anything for I constantly fear criticism.
- I have only published 15 posts since January 1st 2009.
- I want to collect, like every other lazy deadbeat out there.
- I have a knack for arguing even with myself…. kinda counterproductive.
Jeff Ruemeli
- Fisrt of I cant – speel annd i reffusee two ues pell chick.
- Third – I am very organized and believe I am a vital asset to company.
- - on my list would be the fact that I’m so delayed with my responses it makes others
- Point B – No time for Babeled. Days are overwhelmed by my Underwater Basket Weaving.
- Seventh – Has anyone seen Undercover Brother?
- Second – I can’t stand to be on the same web with you people.
- Seventh – Has anyone seen Undercover Brother?
And finally the reason I should be hired for this position is my attention to detail and my dedication to the task at hand. I believe that this Ditch Digging job best suits my personality. Thank you for your warm wishes and concern. Hey… Did any body else hear that elephant?
Jason Morgan
I only bring value to the organization through synergies created in my robust lexicon of buzz words. From a content perspective, my utilization of buzz words negatively affects the ability of readers to glean a coherent thought germane to the topic at hand. I am adept at the many forms of office bingo. Since I provide no content substance, I bring nothing to the table in terms of real, actual blogging.
Considering that I cannot pay attention to anything for longer than 24 seconds, I seldom am able to blog consistently from a timing and subject matter perspective. One day you may get a dissertation on subatomic particles, the next a piece on government budgets. Then, I might pull out something totally nonsensical like My Secret to Insuccess. I believe that blog really lays out the crux of the matter, detailing precisely why I cannot seem to get my shit together and focus.
In conjunction with my inability to communicate in a manner conducive to internet browsing, I am also a human resources nightmare. I am habitually late, inconsistent in my work, and less than politically-correct. If the sole woman Babeler wasn’t my wife, I would probably get in trouble for sexual harassment. I have an attendance problem. And, I smoke like a fiend. I am out for a smoke break damn near every 45 minutes to hour. Talk about a productivity inhibitor…
Lastly, I have serious anger management issues. A slight traffic delay in my commute can lead to a fit of rage in which I attack my co-commuters and co-workers consistent with Michael Douglas in Falling Down. Let’s put it this way: If I had a tank, you’d be dead. Yes, you, miss I-drive-extra-slow-in-the-ultra-fast-lane. Yes, you, mister speeds-up-when-someone-wants-to-pass-you-because-no-one-is-allowed-to-drive-faster-than-you. Given half a chance and the right equipment, I would annihilate your vehicle and the half a dozen around you, too, just for good measure so you can get the hell out of my way. Road rage? Indeed. How do you think that parlays into an office environment when I can’t stand the stupidity searing into my brain from the idiot-emitters nearby?
Coming Up on Wednesday…
Andrew Blanco drops a bomb, or something.
8 Comments
So who are we keeping?
I offer a vote of no confidence in myself.
I want to know if Andrew is targeting me with the “rural south” comment? This coming from the man who has never even been to my hometown, which happens to dwarf Bloomfield, Nutley, Belleville, and Montclair put together.
To that end, Andrew is also incorrect about his North Jersey claim considering Rineberg and myself were both born and raised in Middlesex County, which we all know is north central New Jersey. It falls well above Interstate 195 – which for our non-Jersey readers is widely accepted as New Jersey’s Mason-Dixon line.
Believe it or not, New Jersey, despite its small size was seriously considering breaking off into two states at one point.
Chatsworth would have been the Capitol of South Jersey – I’m just sayin’.
195 is WAAAAAY south from a North Jersey perspective. Interstate 78 is the Mason-Dixon line as far as I am concerned.
I’ll buy that, but would you consider Middlesex county south Jersey?
Well I suppose you answered my question before I was stupid enough to ask with your assertion of I-78 being the line in the sand.
North Jersey is a combination of all of Essex, all of Bergen, all of Hudson, the southern cities of Passaic, and the northeastern cities of Morris. Claire is right about 78 being a real dividing line.
North Jersey might as well be the 6th borough of NYC. That’s at least the way we look at it up here. All our cities have lots of train lines that make it easy to get to the other 5 Boroughs of NYC. Once those train lines die away and you find yourself needing a car to escape your city, well that’s when you have officially entered rural Jersey. Though there may be scattered attempts at cities and civilization, no one can deny that the majority of not-North Jersey is a rural culture.