Do you ever wonder if an “alternative world” exists? What do you think it would look like? Well these were the questions swarming around my head after I had recently found out I was getting married. Therefore, good Babelers, I paint this scenario for you to ponder.
After Andrew told me that I was getting married, I got ridiculously drunk. So drunk in fact, that I had this crazy idea to go “liberate” Andrew’s time machine and change the settings to go to “Alternate Alternative Worlds”. I immediately inform Andrew and all of you that I had made such an adjustment and now we all have the opportunity to go an “Alternate Alternative World”. What would your “Alternate Alternative World” be?
Jason Morgan
“Alternative Worlds”, eh? I am pretty sure most “Alternative Worlds” fit into the following categories:
- Photovoltaic worlds made entirely of PV cells producing solar energy – even the insects are PV distributing itchy energy bites to the other PV animals.
- Windmill-shaped worlds in which tiny turbine organisms live in a high G-force environ on the blades and poop out emissions-free energy.
- Perpetual-motion worlds that are completely unaware of friction. Once something is set into motion on these worlds, it never stops unless it collides with something else and is eradicated (but then the remnants continue to bounce around forever, unless they suffer the same fate as their maker)..
- Hydroelectric worlds with organic dams that pee out energy.
- Grunge-rock worlds where it rains everyday, life forms wear ripped jeans and sport long, dirty hair. These life forms are perpetually pissed off and depressed, leading to melancholy and angry music, coupled with drug abuse and suicide.
Or did you really mean parallel (alternative) universes? Because that would be a whole other story…
Andrew Blanco
The “Alternate World Machine” dropped me off in a strange land named Yesrej Wen, or as the locals call it, the Wen.
Inhabitants of the Wen have no currency. There is no property because everyone lives outside where there are no insects or pests. There is no hot or cold because the climate is ever in harmony with the inhabitants’ bodies. There is no need for sanitation or sewer systems because Wen inhabitants do not eat or defecate: instead they get all of their energy from the air they breathe. There are no cars, trains, or buses, and therefor no pollution because teleportation is the only means of travel. There is likewise no sleep, although inhabitants usually spend their nights in trance, traveling to alternate realities with the help of their mastery of shamanic dreaming.
There is no need to speak because everyone is telepathic. There is no crime, because everyone can telepathically feel the devious intentions and plannings of the criminals long before they commit crimes. There are no prisons and there is no war: all those who aspire to terrorism or war crimes are jettisoned to rebirth on planet Earth, the ultimate testing ground for those not worthy of life on Yesrej Wen.
The best part of about Yesrej Wen is that death is optional. This mortal spaniard was very surprised to learn that Wen inhabitants usually get sick of living after a couple thousand years, and voluntarily die just for the sake of novelty and adventure.
Jack Gamble
I would travel to the world of the original Star Wars movie script. A more sinister and dark world where Luke Skywalker is correctly known as Luke Starkiller. Also in the mystical world of pre-Lucas editing, Han Solo is a reptilian humanoid instead of a human, yet he maintains the lobsided grin and witty one-liners. Also, Jaba The Hutt is a fat human and not a CGI hack job that gets his tail stepped on in order to explain a Solo walk-behind that would normally be impossible with a Hutt’s anatomy. In the universe, the Jedi are not so benevolent that they must seek a return; revenge is far more suited to this world’s Jedi ways.
If you know what I am talking about than you are obviously the second coolest dude in this alternate world, surpassed only by myself of course. You shall therefore become my Chief Lieutenant and will hold my proxy while I am off world on vacation with my Twi’lek Dancing Girls and Slave Leia’s. Together we shall overthrow the Emperor and bring order to the galaxy. Sleep well Lieutenant, I’ll most likely kill you in the morning.
If you do not know what I am talking about then you will never see me coming. You will be easily swept aside by the tidal wave of my conquest. Next you shall be subjugated and forced to live in servitude under my rule. You will be made cannon fodder for my armies and workers in my factories. You shall take part in the construct of the very chains that bind you and will suffer the price of your indignant neglect and criminal ineptness in the knowledge of science fiction kickassory. This I command.
Greg Molyneux
Hyrule in 8 bit. It goes with out saying that I would saunter around filling my hearts with the mortality of my enemy so that I could blast my sword into the primitive Octoroks. I would wander until my pockets were full of rubies (they weren’t called rupees yet) and my satchel full of bombs, spell books, ladders, rafts, boomerangs, magic wands, candles, and all other castle storming essentials. It’s amazing how much you can carry in bad graphics.
My castle missions would involve slaying pixelated behemoth’s until my heart was expanded and my triforce one step closer to completion. In my Alternate World badassery it quickly becomes clear that Aquamentus, Dodongo, and Gohma ain’t got shit on me, and I’m not even wearing a green suit. As for Ganon, he’s gonna get a 128 bit rocket propelled grenade from the future when I bust up his little underworld party. Once my Hyrule domination is complete I quickly prepare for my side scrolling debut which sees my mastery of sword and magic elevate to new heights.
Next Up . . .
Jeff Ruemeli
Images Used in This Post
Parallel Universes image courtesy of Flickr user Martina Rathgens published under the CC license.
Psycho Universe image courtesy of Flickr user Jay Khemani published under the CC license.
9 Comments
Jay’s Seattle seems so much sweeter than Andrew’s New Jersey.
Side scrolling Legend of Zelda 2: Adventure of Link was a tough game to beat. I might shoot into that alternative reality just to have a chance to battle my shadow to the death.
You only need to ingest some mushrooms growing on cow poop to do that.
The Adventures of Link was certainly the most challenging of all the console Zelda’s. It is easily one of my all time favorites.
@ Jack – love the casually dropped Princess Bride reference. The Dread Jedi Jack? I like the sound of it, but more importantly, do you?
Jack you better be ready for one hell of an epic saber battle with Darth Movie Whore. Jedi are just not dark enough.
Ha, it’s the Dark Lord Whoranus himself.
Good one.
Movieone Kanblomi, surely he must be dead by now?