There are many fantastic scenes in the movie Fight Club. Yes, I know it was a book first. Either way, when Brad Pitt asks Ed Norton who he would fight if he could fight any historical figure, my mind immediately started racing. It’s a damn good question, one that probes the depths of a man’s mind without really letting on that is what you are doing. My good Babelers, I now ask this of you:
If you could fight any historical figure, who would it be and why?
Andrew Blanco
Here’s how it would go:
Me: Hey Hitler! Uh uh, no way man. You ain’t goin’ like that. Sneaky bastard, I’m not letting you leave this Earth on your own accord. You leave on my accord. That’s right, and now get ready for a heavy dose of Spanish justice.
That’s the point at which I would drag Hitler outside to street. I’d place his mouth on the curb, making sure to hear his teeth firmly planted on the curb, and then slam my foot into the back of his head with all the force of millions of dead Jews.
He would obviously pass out from the pain. But I have patience, so I’d wait till he awoke, at which point I would inject him with adrenaline so that he could feel enough of a surge of energy to fight me mano a mano. It would be a fight for the ages. I’d tease the little girl making him think he was winning, at which point I would bum rush him, throw him to the ground, and tie his hands and feet up so he couldn’t move. Then I’d whip out my pocket knife, slice off his nuts, stuff them in his mouth, and force him to swallow them. I’d then cauterize the heavily bleeding wound with a bic lighter.
To finish I would throw the tied up, ball-less, toothless, Hitler into a cage that he could only fit into by curling up into the fetal position. Then I would take him home and keep him well fed and horribly uncomfortable for the next few decades. He would never be allowed to leave the cage, and I’d make sure he stayed alive for decades so that he would have to consciously experience what would undoubtedly be horribly uncomfortable pain and maybe even regret for the decisions he made earlier in life.
That was intense, but I think Hitler deserves it. Don’t you?
Greg Rineberg
Jeff Ruemeli
Battle plan: I first ask for the time. As he looks at his watch I “BOOM” drop an elbow to his skull. He would then start to fall to the pavement as I placed my knee “CRACK” in his path to the ground. As he lays on the ground I give him the flying elbow “KAPOW” to his spine. And while he lays there in a daze from the “Blizzard of Ruemelification” I ever so kindly give him a free dental check-up on the curb. “BAM!” Aw yeah…
Greg Molyneux
The man who betrayed his benefactor. We all know the story, Brutus befriends Caesar, Brutus leads plot to kill Caesar, Brutus goes down as history’s biggest bitch. I would really fancy an beat down against this back-stabber right on the Senate floor where Julius Caesar slowly and painfully died from over forty stab wounds.
In Marcus’ ill-fated quest to play Savior of the Roman Republic, in the same vein as Junii Patriarch, Lucius Junius Brutus, he went down as one of antiquity’s primary anti-hero’s. Ironically enough his folly served as the nail in the coffin for the Republic (insert Imperial Death March) he sought to save. As a man of historical ill-repute, the second round of fisticuffs would have to continue in the 9th Circle of Hell where I would administer painful choke slams and drop-kicks off the top ropes. All the while a hapless Brutus is rendered motionless in a perpetually frozen lake of woe and despair.
Of course I would be repeatedly mooning the Devil during all of this while pissing on Judas’ face, but I digress.
Betrayal is a terrible sin, something that no man of principle would ever conceive. Those who bite the hand that feeds deserve the cursed (pronounced curs-id, like a douche) fate that befalls them.
Honorable mention for historical beatings: Tutankhamun, any Grand Inquisitor, and Adolf Hitler.
Notes:
- Andrew is addicted to rage-ohol.
- Jeff’s fight is in old school Batman-style with comic book action call-outs.
- Molyneux’s fighting skills transcend this world.
- All of the Babelers chose people to fight based on a moral objection to the individual. Insightful.
- More than one of these guys has seen American History X.
Next up…
Rineberg.
Image used in this post
Waxy Hitler courtesy of Flickr user pawelbak under the CC license.
7 Comments
Andrew, buddy, are you feeling OK?
I usually don’t support violence as a solution to anything except self-defense, but when I started thinking about Hitler and what kind of justice would befit a man like that…well, nothing short of torture and graphic violence. But I’d never be able to do that in real life, lol.
@Andrew:
I would pick a moment when Hitler is unarmed
Jake Voytko never misses a single detail, and when he does he round house kicks himself in the face.
Thanks for the heads up. I’ll remember to bring my supersoaker and squirt him in the eyes before he has the chance to point his gun in my direction.
If any women had been asked, the inventors of pantyhose, bras and high heels would all be feeling it right now.
Oh man, those items are involved in many of my fondest memories.