Dead Babeler Walking

The Babelers have committed the most horrible of crimes and have been found guilty by a jury of their peers. The judge sentenced us to the death penalty with no chance for appeal. We now walk the green mile. While a figure of our religious choosing reads us something to ease our wary hearts we are told to choose our last meal. Anything we could desire is on the menu.

What’ll it be boys? DEAD MAN EATIN!…

Greg Molyneux

Death Row Records Presents: Good Eatin’ a Steak n’ Eggs Story

• 20 ounce Porterhouse steak cooked medium rare
• 3 farm raised eggs cooked over easy with salt, pepper, and garlic powder
• One quarter pound of sautéed baby Portabello mushrooms and onions to smother the steak
• Fried mashed potatoes – browned to perfection
• 4 pieces of Jewish marble rye bread (seeded of course)
• Letter of apology for the person who must clean up after one substantial lethal injection induced defecation

Greg Rineberg

I know what most of you Babelers are thinking, however my answer is not Chinese food. I could decide to be gluttonous with what I want to eat and devise some ridiculous pu pu platter of entrees, but for some reason that seems wrong to me. I’d request meatloaf, real mashed potatoes, and peas. Of course, Coca-Cola Classic would have to be present for consumption. Last but not least, I would require ice cream cake.

Andrew Blanco

I’ll take human liver with some fava beans and a side of chianti.

But seriously, for my last and final meal I would probably ask for some good ol’ pulpo a la plancha: grilled octopus, Spanish style.

There’s nothing like some sliced up octopus melting in your mouth. Fresh from the ocean, slammed on a grill, served on my plate, a gift to my stomach. Why would anybody ask for anything other than grilled octopus for their final meal?

The only alternative to octopus would be pizza from Pete & Elda’s in Neptune, NJ (nothing like super thin, super crispy). I love pizza, and I’m sure if there wasn’t quality octopus to be found, I could go for an entire pizza pie!

Jason Morgan

One must first ask one’s self, “Self, what do you want to get out of your last meal on this Earth?” Some factors to consider are: taste, quantity, balance, and resistance to death. You know, like some taters. Gollum – “What’s taters, precious?” Sam – “Po-ta-toes! Boil e’m, mash ‘em, stick ‘em in a stew!” I would prefer my last taters to be in the form of waffle-cut fries, drenched in hot sauce with a side of ketchup. Next, I’m going to need Surf & Turf. Boring, but who could resist eating a sumptuous, performance-enhanced, corn-fed cow and an aquatic cockroach with butter sauce? Not this guy, that’s for sure.

Hmm… now for some balance… something about food groups. Foods formed groups? Did they unionize? Are we going to have to bail-out the fruits & vegetables union due to the economic downturn? Perhaps it was the lazy fruits and vegetables who demanded too high of pay for their less than skilled labor, and we have no social responsibility to rescue them? I don’t know, it’s all too confusing – what was I saying? Oh, right, need some balance in my last meal. Maybe a salad. Yes, a salad would be good. As long as it has bacon, three types of cheeses, and is swimming in a fat-laden dressing I will be OK.

Oh, and I almost forgot the appetizer!! I want a damn appetizer if I’m never going to get a chance to eat again. Maybe some wings…

Jack Gamble

I would choose the Tun Burger courtesy of Tun Tavern in Atlantic City, NJ. An entire pound of Grade A Angus smothered in cholesterol-bearing cheddar, fat-dripping bacon, and if there’s time – a few shreds of lettuce (I don’t see no lettuce). I like to call this the Snake-Eater (thank you Lorenzo Lamas). I call it this because the burger is so large that you need to dislocate your jaw like a snake to fit it in your mouth.

For extra credit we’ll throw in some tomato slices, pickles and glob after glob of ketchup (not catsup). Some fries on the side and, of course, a bottle of Miller Lite to wash it down.

Now that is a meal I can take to my grave. As an extra bonus, I get to leave quite a mess for the executioner afterwards. Remember, all bodily functions are released at death. A Tun Burger would certainly be the creme de la creme of post-execution excrement. Have fun boys. Now push da button.

“Tiiiiiii-iiiii-i-ime… is on my side… yes it is.”

Next time:

Ground control to Fineberg. Do you read me?