In what has proven to be the most shocking turn around in American Intelligence history, terror attacks across the globe have been thwarted thanks in no small part to liberal endorsed humane treatment of prisoners and specifically the lack of discomfort imposed upon captured terrorists.
A plot to destroy a day care in a Jewish neighborhood in New York was foiled when a detainee realized the folly of his fanatical beliefs and gave up his comrades in arms to authorities after the now famous “reverse psychology” method developed by Harry Reid proved too powerful for the highly disciplined religious zealot.
In other news, an Al Qaeda plot to release VX gas at the Gay Rights Parade was broken up when prisoners faced with going to bed without supper where unable to overcome the mental anguish of a full night without sustenance from each of the four food groups.
In San Fransisco, another terrorist turned in his Jihadi brothers who were planning to detonate an antique Russian “backpack” nuke in Vatican City. The fanatic broke down after 8 hours of sleep when his jailers informed him that if he did not change his terrorist ways he would not be allowed to watch the season finale of Dancing With the Stars.
Also, a plan by Hezbollah to poison the water supplies of four major US cities was stopped when highly trained CIA interrogators threatened a terrorist with the dreaded fingernails on the chalk board method. This barbaric method has been the subject of debate recently when democratic representative Nancy Pelosi accused the agency of cruel and unusual punishment recalling her own childhood memories of a knife scraping a plate and the irreparable damage to her psyche.
It would appear that these terrorists who have taken vows of poverty, left their homes, and resolved to die for Islam are defenseless when faced with these sophisticated means of extracting information. We can all rest easy now, with a clean conscience, knowing that sleep deprivation and water boarding are no longer necessary.
~Man Overboard
Image used in this Post
Gumby Toture photo courtesy of Flickr user Webb Zahn published under the CC license.
8 Comments
The terrorists are really going to freak once they are forced to Motorboat trannies!
I just can’t believe Gumby is a terrorist…
The whole of my childhood; ruined!
The video of him and Pokey beheading the Blockheads on Al-Jazeera was not suitable for children.
I’m not closed to the idea of torture: if it works and it saves more lives than it harms, then it can be morally justified. I want evidence, though! Torture has been used for thousands of years, and I haven’t seen a single study on its effectiveness compared to other techniques. You’d figure that one of the oppressive “scientific” regimes would have ran one at some point. Show me the money!
It’s hard to deny that it’s causing problems for what might otherwise be slam-dunk cases. In fact, I’ve seen articles by a BUNCH of interrogators who are AGAINST it, including the military’s Senior Interrogator from Iraq in 2006.
Two words… Sodium Thiopental
But…I think drugs are the way we need to go with interrogations. There’s got to be some chemical concoction out there that will do the trick consistently.
Anything more than six beers tends to promote honesty in me.