It’s about that time for my lunch break and yet I can’t seem to pull myself from my desk. Utterly strange: it’s as if a tractor beam were pulling me back from my sole hour of freedom. What is this force of nature that keeps me glued to my work chair?
Why it’s paperwork of course! Glorious, masochistic paperwork!
When faced with the reality of an endless stream of paperwork, I find myself compelled to imagine alternate realities and parallel universes where humans make a living without every having to document anything.
For your consideration, I offer five great paying imaginary jobs that don’t involve paperwork.
5. Breathing: For every breath you take you make a penny. That would work out to be roughly 44¢ a minute, $7.20 an hour, $172.80 a day, and $63,072 a year. Damn that was some easy money.
4. Driving On The Highway: Tolls are reversed so that every time you bless the highway with your presence money trickles into your account.
3. Putting Toast in the Toaster: When circumstances call for toast, don’t be surprised to find yourself rewarded with a $50 gift card to Best Buy.
2. Kissing Girls: Oh yeah.
1. Tripping Children While Ice Skating: Nothing says “I Got Paid” like the sound of innocence smacking into a cold, slippery surface.
Let’s face it, paperwork sucks. Daydreaming rocks.
Unfortunately, paperwork helps pay the bills. So stop dreaming, and get back to work.
5 Comments
6. Fire Watcher: All paperwork has now been eliminated.
Though I thought you only got paid for breathing while at work…
I consistently receive poor marks on my performance review when it comes to breathing. Apparently I am wasting too much “good” oxygen.
I think on top of the $.01 per breath there should be an annual incentive program. This bonus would be based on quality of breath.
Gum, tooth pasts, mouth wash, and mints would thus be considered a tax deductible business expense.
Jack, this would no doubt lead into the unnecessary creation of more government subsidized programs and ultimately a department headed by the much needed Secretary of Respiration.
It is every American’s right to breathe freely in this World and we must raise taxes in order to fairly, justly, and appropriately compensate them for willingly performing their patriotic duties. Tomorrow’s America must be, no will be a breathe of fresh air.