Babeled

On February 14, I babeled on about 52 predictions for the 2008 baseball season.  I was feeling saucy that day, and figured a semi-serious meets quarter-assed approach to prognosticating was the way to go.  With the 2008 regular season fading in the rear-view, and the bright October lights of New York dim for the first time in ages, it is time to review, analyze, dissect, and laugh at my predictions.

1. Manny Ramirez cuts off a lock of hair, places it in his suitcase, and gets arrested for possession of a controlled substance before boarding a chartered flight.

Clearly, Manny has been the beneficiary of drug sniffing dogs that lack a properly functioning olfactory.  I guess airport drug dogs are about as useful as state employees.

2. Bud Selig finally takes some blame for overseeing a rule-breaking, unscrupulous system, instead of taking credit for Baseball’s most prosperous - yet scandalous era. I really cannot believe he was just rewarded with a 3 year extension.

Instant replay? …In baseball? …Really?

3. Derek Jeter and Tom Brady give interviews on each other’s behalf since they both regurgitate the same answer anyway. In fact a life-sized cardboard cut-out depicting each in ‘Wheatiesesque’ fashion concealing a tape recorder would provide a refreshing alternative.

It was more of the same for Derek Jeter, in what many would consider a down year for The Captain.  Although his candor picked up a little bit during the final home-stand as players were saying goodbye to The Stadium and their playoff hopes.

4. Curt Schilling writing many more blogs. This will be recommended rehabilitation for his bum shoulder.

I was dead on with this one.  Schilling’s shoulder might have finally signaled the end for one of the top big game pitchers of this era - and his ego knows this.

5. Francisco Rodriguez establishes a patented break-dance to bust into after each save against a team that is 16 games below .500.

The celebrations were as outlandish as ever.  Along the way K-Rod amassed arguably the greatest single season ever for a closer.  Shattering the previous saves record with unbelievable 62 saves!  Savor it now Angels fans, Franky will be River Dancing for the Mets next season.

6. Jonathan Papelbon comes clean about being actor John Lithgow’s bastard son.

A relatively status quo year for Paps, who is clearly an elite closer.

7. The YESNetwork heeds the words of Michael Kay’s contrived home run call and says, “SEEEE YAAAA” to the bum. Sorry Michael, but you were much better on radio - where the size of your head was better obstructed by John Sterling’s loud screaming.

I actually found Micheal ‘The Head’ Kay more tolerable this year - which is remarkable considering how terrible the Yankees performed.  I just love it when Paul O’Neill tears Kay a new one during the three games he actually announces for YES.

8. Umpires stop warning both benches after one pitcher throws inside. Seriously, baseball needs to get back to business and allow players to enforce the game. I mean come on, has steroids made these players soft?

The guys in blue took a positive step this year. One game had 7 hits batsmen over 9 innings, with neither bench warned.  And this was a Yankees - Red Sox affair!

9. Jose Canseco finally gets what’s coming to him. Sorry buddy, while much of what you spew is true, no one likes a rat. Please see Dante’s Inferno to understand what Hell has in store for those who betray their benefactors. That’s right, you don’t know how to read.

I can’t believe I wasted my fingers tips on this douche seven months ago.

10. Larry Lucchiano and John Henry realize they transformed the once proud Red Sox Nation into everything they hate - the Yankees.

They are currently fighting for a 3rd World Championship in 5 years.  That sounds pretty dynastic to me.

11. Derek Jeter, er Tom Brady’s cardboard cut-out, announces 2008 will be the last year he plays Shortstop at Old Yankee Stadium. Sabermetric guru’s everywhere rejoice, until they realize the 2009 season will be played in New Yankee Stadium. Which brings me to my next point.

Shockingly, Jeter’s defensive measures have been better than ever this year.  Which still isn’t to say that they were good.

12. Stan Lee unveils Marvel’s latest comic dynasty, SaberMetric. Rob Neyer is honored to hear Derek Jeter’s defense will be the prime antagonist. It is after all true, inferior zone rating can bring about the end of the Universe.

This is the single biggest disappointment of the season.

13. Ichiro continues to look 15.

Completely true, and this trend will continue for the next 22 years.  Man did Seattle suck this year.

14. Sports analysts actually explain the concepts of Moneyball and VORP to the casual fan. I have an inclination that they do not quite understand themselves. There is no room for Voodoo in baseball anyway - sorry Jobu.

Still not much in the way of mainstream discussion of these statistical advancements during broadcasts.  Viewers are still subjected to the drivel of Joe Morgan on a weekly basis.  “You know Jon (Miller), first baseman catch balls thrown at them from the other guys on the infield; that’s what a first baseman does.”

15. A thorough explanation into why playing Fantasy Baseball is cool, but engaging in MMORPG attrition is not. I mean both universe’s are equally fake.

Still waiting.  But not patiently.

16. Troy Tulowitzki and Hanley Ramirez both get more ESPN exposure. The National League really has some great shortstops (Jimmy Rollins, Jose Reyes, Adam Everett). Too bad that’s all the NL has going for it.

Let’s take a look at the splits (Batting Average / On Base Percentatge / Slugging Percentatage):

• Tulowitzki: .263/.332/.401 - Troy I think you need to buy more of Derek Jeter’s cologne.
• Ramirez: .301/.400/.540 - Unbelievable numbers for a shortstop.
• Rollins: .277/.349./.437 - A down year for Jimmy, who had a tough year with the Philadelphia fans.
• Reyes: .297/.358/.475 - A typical year for the Mets shortstop.
• Everett: .213/.278/.323 - Went over the the Twins (AL) and sucked.

The National League is more competitive than it has been in years, but they still lost another All Star game.

17. Speaking of the NL, with Joe Torre out of New York and off to Los Angeles, Willie Randolph needs to find his pulse and light a fire under his Mets. There is too much talent going to waste there, especially with the addition of Johan Santana. There will be no collapse this year.

Wow.  I mean what can I say.  Not only was Willie Randolph fired mid-season, but the Mets still found a way to collapse.  If the Red Sox are the new Yankees; then the Mets are the old Red Sox.  Chew on that brain bender for a while, and I recommend putting on a helmet to do so.

18. More on Santana, can we all applaud Twins General Manager Bill Smith for upholding a long held baseball cliché? With the trade packages offered by the Red Sox and the Yankees, you should have struck while the iron was hot.

Johan was Johan, meanwhile Bill Smith looks like a genius (for now) considering Phil Hughes and Ian Kennedy combined for a massive ZERO wins this season.  Hughes will bounce back next year, Kennedy however seems like a lost cause in New York.

Oh and CF Carlos Gomez, who was sent over from the Mets as part of the deal, is going to be a real player.

19. Roger Clemens, I don’t care what you have to say, but I bet Congress cares about your syringes.

Talk about a fall from Grace.

20. Manny, for the love of God, please pretend there is something in your eye the next time you launch a 440 foot home run onto Lansdowne Street, just standing at the plate looking like the Predator is obnoxious.

Now he is just styling and profiling on the left coast. With his increased Hollywood exposure, perhaps the lead role in the next Alien vs. Predator is not out of the question.

It looks like Manny is going to need a new Driver’s License.

21. Albert ‘Winnie the’ Pujols returns to his familiar self, crushing the hopes and dreams of NL pitchers nationwide.

• Prince Albert’s splits: .357/.462/.653 - Who is A-Rod?

22. In a long awaited tirade, Joe Girardi kicks the New York media out of his office after the Yankees first two game slide. Of course the impetus of this mess occurred when reporters asked Joe if he felt his job was in jeopardy. Did I mention this all takes place after the second game of the season.

Well it might not have happened on the second day of the season, but Girardi’s relationship with the media was and still is lukewarm at best.  By the end of the season the beat writers’ had had it with Girardi’s ambiguous statements and half-truths when it came to player injuries.  Peter Abraham, an outstanding beat writer and blogger, sums up the situation nicely on The Lohud Yankees Blog:

Asked about his relationship with the media, Girardi said: “I think it’s pretty good. I think I’m comfortable with the media and the media is comfortable with me. You take away (the injury issue) and I think it’s outstanding.”

Outstanding? Meanwhile, Cashman said several times yesterday, including on WFAN, that Girardi needs to improve how he deals with the press because it’s important in the New York market. Forget what I think, that’s the GM talking.

23. Major League Baseball sends Old Yankee Stadium out in style - with Bud Selig announcing he personally injected his comb-over with performance enhancing drugs.

The All-Star ceremony was outstanding, plain and simple.  And the show Josh Hamilton put on during the Home Run Derby was other-worldly.

What was with Alex Rodriguez leaving the ballpark after the 5th inning of the All Star game?

24. Seriously though, special tribute must be paid to the Museum of Baseball during the All Star celebration in New York this year.

Not only did MLB get it right, I also felt the Yankee organization had an almost successful send-off at year end.  The snub of Joe Torre during the near two hour ceremony was a bit petty though.

Of note, Captain Derek Jeter addressed the crowd with a terrific speach and then led his teammates around The Stadium one final time to say goodbye to a mythical place. It was an emotional night.

25. Eric Byrnes does more special guest appearances on various sports shows. I don’t know what it is about Byrnes, but the guy is hilarious. I think it is because he looks like Side Show Bob and acts like my retarded friends from High School. All that aside, he is a damned good left fielder on an exciting young baseball team.

The D-Backs started out hot and then faded away in a terrible division.  I did not hear much of Byrnes this year either - disappointing.

26. Speaking of which, Diamondbacks outfielder Justin Upton is going to be an outstanding baseball player for a very long time.

• The splits: .250/.353/.463 - Remember Upton just turned 21, this kid will be a Star.

27. Hollywood Joe Torre becomes the official spokesman of Bigelow Tea.

Done.

28. Andruw Jones awakens from his coma, remembers he is a Hall of Famer in his prime and realizes he can still hit a baseball.

• The splits: .158/.256/.249 - Nope.

29. Scott Boras curses Poseidon and gets cast adrift on a ten year Odyssey to his Bank. I really can’t stand that guy.

He is going to make bank this off season with the Mark Teixeira sweepstakes.

Oh, and he is Manny’s agent too.

Him and Drew Rosenhaus must dine together on a weekly basis.  Are their two other agents that are more divisive?

30. Grady Sizemore makes a bid for the American League MVP. Great young players are the real key to the game’s success (sorry it’s not you Bud Selig).

• The splits: .268/.374/.502 - A very good season but not worthy of even shaking the hand of the MVP.

31. David Ortiz hits a shot right into Ted Williams’ red seat. Hard to believe but I am a Big Papi fan. A great heart with one hell of a swing. Honestly, Ortiz represents the Hiroshima Effect, knock your opponent into submission enough times and they become your biggest ally.

Big Papi was hurt much of the season, but expect some big time hits for the Red Sox in the postseason. The dude is a winner and he doesn’t quit on his team.

32. A-Rod continues his torrid abuse of mediocre pitching, along with his conquering of Toronto blondes.

Well it wasn’t quite Toronto blondes this year, instead it was the Material Blonde.  A-Rod divorced his wife Cynthia to land in the lap of the Catholic Church’s favorite Kaballist, Madonna.

2017 folks.

33. Joba Chamberlain proves he is the real deal, whether it is in the rotation or in the pen. His slider gives me nightmares.

100.1 innings pitched with a 2.60 ERA splitting time in the rotation and the bullpen.  His barking shoulder is cause for concern. To bullpen or not to bullpen, that is the question.

34. Johan Santana’s arm detaches as a result of throwing 900 plus innings over the last 4 years. Baseball player’s are just not equipped for that kind of abuse anymore. At least he has a 6 year $137.5 million deal to ease his pain.

234.1 innings pitched for the man of steal and the Mets still couldn’t make the playoffs.

35. A-Rod opts out of his $275 million contract after he is abused by dominant pitching. Fausto Carmona has the nastiest sinker in the league.

Not quite, but the boo-birds have crept back into Yankee Stadium.  The question is, whether the boos and the ghosts move next door?

36. Another insect infestation helps the Cleveland Indians advance further into the playoffs. Only this time, it is the Red Sox who are victimized after the bugs try to nest in Manny’s hair. Except this time it will be followed up by a rule change allowing the Red Sox to advance thanks to the freshly minted Act of God Clause (we hate the Yankees) during the game.

Well, the Indians were a flop and Manny is a Dodger; dreads still in tact.  Next question.

37. The Cubs unbelievable drought continues.

Dominant regular season turned playoff flop. Lou’s Cubs are one loss away from elimination at the hands of Torre’s Dodgers.  Does this sound familiar to the folks on the North Side?  How is it that the lesser team manages to be the greater team?  Only in the Second City (Chicago for those of you that are geographically challenged).

38. A lineup featuring Gary Sheffield, Maglio Ordonez, and Miguel Cabrera gets arrested for involuntary manslaughter of left handed American League pitching. That is one brutal gauntlet right there.

Was there a bigger disappointment than this team?  My predicting sucks.

39. The Minnesota Twins realize plans for an outdoor stadium are ill conceived, but no one seems to care since the richest owner in baseball is too damn cheap to keep his best players. Imagine what that team would do if they actually spent some cash? Nevertheless, their player development staff should be commended.

This team of consistent over-achievers forced a one game playoff against the Chicago White Sox, ultimately to lose the division.  Either way this team and its ability to win with little support from ownership is amazing.

40. Red Sox Nation faces a moral quandary when Golden Boy Tom Brady comes into Fenway wearing a Yankee hat.

There is a brewing bromance between A-Rod and Tom.

41. Meanwhile that very hat and Gisele Bündchen will prompt a victory parade down the Canyon of Heroes.

My Yankees didn’t even make the playoffs.  No more 52 point lists for me.

And should we feel bad for Tom Brady?  Out for the entire season means he has to spend more quality time with Gisele…

42. The same can be said for Lebron James in Cleveland.

Nope!  But the Lakers vs. Celtics NBA Finals was pretty sweet.  OK, I didn’t watch.

43. Hank Steinbrenner continues providing the New York Media with one sound bite after another. “Hold on a second guys I just gotta wipe…”

All talk and no substance.  This guy couldn’t even show up for the final game ever played at Yankee Stadium.  Younger brother Hal is proving himself to be the real owner.

Oh, and Hammerin’ Hank wasn’t at the All Star game either. This tool is a fraud.

44. The Kansas City Royals continue to return small market glory.

This is true, in a relative sense.  This is Kansas City after all and 75-87 really isn’t that bad. Once the Kauffman Stadium renovation is complete hopefully a little more money will be pumped into this proud organization.

45. The Florida Marlins quickly dash those hopes.

84-77.  The Marlins and the Twins are simply amazing.

46. Where have you gone Baltimore Orioles? But do not fret you are not as awful as the Yankees were in the 80s. Eric Bedard makes hitters look foolish - too bad you guys traded him to the Mariners.

Bedard sucked this year, the Orioles scored only 7 less runs than the Yankees, and Nick Markakis is outstanding.

47. The Orioles may lose 100 games this season - they have that going for them, which is nice.

They lost 93, close.

48. Dontrelle Willis adds fire to an already intimidating pitching staff.

Completely, 100%, no doubt about it, dead wrong.  This guy was banished to A ball this season - and not to rehab an injury.  Dontrelle may be done, period. I mean what happened?

49. Jon Garland’s addition to the Angels will be significant as well.

Garland went 14-8 for the Halo’s but more importantly ate up 196.2 innings for the league’s most balanced pitching staff. The Angels really seemed like the team to beat until they begun playing the Red Sox in the postseason.

50. Curt Schilling puts up a new blog post.

Schilling’s real and virtual mouth ran wild this season despite not throwing a single inning. When will this guy retire and just go into politics.

51. When spring training starts, Manny will show up late - except there will be nothing fashionable about it.

Manny all but quit on his Boston teammates and forced to be traded.  He will be rewarded for it with a massive contract next season (probably in New York).

52. Prince Fielder continues his Reign of Terror on the NL Central.

• The splits: .276/.372/.507 - But it was Ryan Braun who really carried the Brewers.

Images Used in this Post

Derek Jeter image courtesy of Flickr user Rafael Amado Deras published under the CC license.

Manny Ramirez’s Driver’s License image courtesy of Flickr user BallGame68 published under the CC license.