1. Jar Jar: Misa thinks yousa movie sucked because yousa tried to sell too many floppy-eared dolls.
2. Midichlorians: Swell idea, George. Let’s take the mystical force that fascinated everyone and try to make it sound like the side effect of too much fiber in your diet. “Sorry boss, I can’t come to work today. I’ve got Midichlorians.”
3. Merchandising: I believe the Great Mel Brooks said it best.
4. Ashoka: As if a Gungan with bad grammar didn’t piss you off, we’re going to combine all that is unholy about Binks with the annoying teeny-bopper qualities of Miley Cyrus and form the ultimate gay character. “Skyguy” and “Artooie” are the two worst quotes I have heard in the entire saga to date.
5. Too much CGI: The puppets and stop motion of the original trilogy were both amazing and lifelike. The CGI of the prequels was worse than the pilot episode of Babylon 5.
6. Jedi Death Montage: The entire 3rd movie should have been about Vader (not Anakin) systematically hunting down and exterminating the Jedi. Instead we wasted two hours of Hayden Christensen’s whimpering, disgraceful performance only to be disappointed by a one minute “execute order 66″ quickie Jedi death montage.
7. “Roger-Roger”: Come on! They’re fricken Battle Droids, not Oompa Lumpas! He could have made a better machine of death and destruction by dubbing in Robin Williams going “Nanu-Nanu.”
8. Re-re-re-release: Re-meh-meh, Re-meh-meh-member when you made one movie only once? Now we have THX mastered, Special Edition, box set, director’s cut, and Caffeine Free Diet Star Wars.
9. Greedo Shoots First: All of a sudden, after 25 years, this highly trained, dangerous bounty hunter misses from point blank range? My 5 year old second cousin could have hit Han Solo from that range if you gave him a wiffle bat, blind folded him, and spun him around 5 times.
10. “Nooooooooo”: Now that is great writing, George! How about next time we have the Dark Lord of the Sith raise his fists in anger and shout “Stellaaaaaa!”
~Man Overboard
14 Comments
Hahahahaha caffeine free diet Star Wars. That is awesome.
“Sorry boss, I can’t come to work today. I’ve got Midichlorians.” – Either a double dose of Pepto-Bismol or one botched Jedi Prophecy will take care of that.
Bacta-Bismol by Lucas and Lucas
Jack that was some beautiful shit man. Just flat out great. I laughed my ass off.
This is why I have always said 2 things.
1. Star Wars fans hate Star Wars.
2. Star Trek was done so much better.
I find your lack of faith most disturbing.
Nice “Street Car Named Desire” reference at the end. Man you are one cultured cat.
Your faith in George Lucas shall be your undoing.
Awesome post Jack. You and any other George Lucas fan have got to see this video.
Finally a list the I agree completely with! I must say I cringed severely in the theater during #10. Also, thanks for not picking on the Ewoks, I have always liked the little guys
How about: “Younglings”? *gringe*
The first three episodes are horrible, horrible, horrible….and could easily spawn a “100 reasons why I hate George Lucas” post.
The best thing that came from these new films was the the Darth Maul battle/Duel of the Fates. That was amazing cinema. And I can’t think of anything in any of the three films that holds up to the quality of those scenes.
When George Lucas finally dies,
Episodes 7,8,9 should be produced.
And if those turn out well, they should then completely redo Episodes 1,2, & 3.
I agree with #12. Except the wussing out of GL on the last 3 episodes is the #1 reason to hate him, IMHO.
Gee, you seem to have the same problem most of the fans do: taking a silly adventure film WAY too seriously.
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