Justifying My Existence

…I know it’s a stretch but bear with me for a second.

About a month ago I babeled on about an immature method of revenge called the Upper Decker.  We contemplated its merit and questioned its appropriateness.  All-in-all, it probably made you wish you had those precious five minutes of your life back so you could nail your hand to a door, or possibly even drink piss for fun.  But believe it or not, much has been said about it on these here Internets; I have even found the official Upper Decker website and its benevolent counterpart that is desperately pleaing for a fecal ceasefire.  And here I was thinking Babeled was the most useless rag on the web.

How about an official definition from antiupperdecker.com:

• Deck (noun) – The clean water tank of a toilet. Often referred to as a toilet backrest.

• Upper-deck (verb) – The malicious act of making doodie in the water tank of a toilet, thus contaminating the toilet’s clean water supply.
  • Syn: Upper-Tanking, Backstopping, ‘The gift that keeps on giving’, ‘2000 Brown Flushes’, ’The bottomless glass of chocolate milk’, Top-Loading, High-Bowl, Top-Decking, Going Top Shelf

• Upper-deckerer (noun) – One who performs the act of upper-decking.

The folks at this site are hell bent on stopping this travesty from ever happening under their watch and their mission is clear:

Upper-decking is an epidemic that is quickly spreading across the world. It leaves friends and family in shards, and can wreck relationships. FUDGE, ‘Fighting Upper-Decking Goons with Education’, was established to educate the world on upper-decking in an attempt to impede and hopefully completely stop this malicious act, one doodie at a time.

Now let’s hear from the morons in favor…

Unsurprisingly, there are mouth-breathing mingers out there among us that tout the Upper Decker as the pinnacle of civil behavior.  No doubt the same mingers who gleefully water-board furry woodland creatures as a manly rite of passage.  Shockingly enough, upper-decker.com is severely lacking in both legitimate and clever content.  This particularly long-winded excerpt from an anonymous piece of trash confirms our fears.

Busch Lite meets a brand new American Standard 5 GPF
One night last May I was out with some friends over at the Drag Strip Tavern in Jacksonville. Like every tuesday they were having a sweet drink special, 99 cent Busch Lite. But this tuesday was different. Why? Because I wanted to get especially hammered. That afternoon this girl I’ve been seeing on and off went schizo and backed her aries k into my brand new ‘89 camero. I say it was brand new because I just had it re-painted so it looked basically brand new. Anyway she claimed it was an accident, but I think it was on purpose on account her being jealous after finding me naked with her cousin Daphne. Anyhow I decided to get good and drunk that night. I ended up sleeping in my car out front of this girls house. I wake up around 8:30 because it’s so bright and because I have to take a massive shit. I can tell right away that this is a serious Busch Lite shit and it’s not going to wait until I get back to my double-wide. So I use the keys she gave me to get into her house (I guess she already left for work at the mannikan factory) and I hit the bathroom hard. But then I think, what the hell, why not do a UD….

Someone tell me this has to be fake, right?  I’m assuming the refusal to capitalize was for dramatic effect.