Babeled

We all know that Jesus Christ, son of Source, taught us to turn the other cheek.  But sometimes our unsightly humanness gets the better of us.  Alas, sweet revenge is needed.  We have all been wronged before to some degree or another, and we will all be wronged again; it is how we respond to such strife that defines us.

There are those among us, Greg Rineberg not excluded, who are classic over reactors and there are those who habitually look the other way, like the until now unseen Jeff Ruemeli.  For the rest of us we wallow somewhere in the middle.  It is this very middle ground that serves as great theater to the epic mastery of revenge, the best of which is always served ice cold.

The form of retribution that I am about to present before you is to be contemplated carefully so as to determine whether it classifies as an appropriate form of revenge.  This plan of action is by no means a creation of my own, that distinction is reserved for Eric Zane of the Free Beer and Hot Wings radio show.  What we are about to discuss is known simply in talk radio circles as - The Upper Decker.

Instead of describing what it is right off the bat, I’ll just outline the steps to revenge:

1. Enter the bathroom of the suspect in dire need of payback
2. Remove the lid to the upper tank of the toilet
3. Perch your feet on the toilet seat pigeon style and hover your backside over the tank
4. Proceed to drop deuce into said tank

And that’s it, you have just really ruined someones day.  Ideally it will be some time before the marinating source of fecal filth is determined, at which point all of the inner workings of what makes indoor plumbing so special will have been overtaken by last week’s McDonald’s.

But now for the core of the matter.  Is this a just punishment fitting of its crime?  Are there certain acts of misfortune that warrant the carpet bombing of another citizens bathroom?  I’m not so sure and here’s why:

How can you be certain the bastard who wronged you is the one that will have to clean it up?  What if happens to be a lesser employee of a piss poor business that won’t give you your money back?  Or the maid of some rich jerk?

I am of the opinion that grounds for an Upper Decker can only be warranted if there is near 100% certainty that its target will be the one to play cleanup.  Otherwise this grotesque and juvenile act must be held in abeyance in favor of a different and more appropriate form of revenge.

Image Used in this Post

Fish Tank Toilet image courtesy of Flickr user Fire Monkey Fish published under the CC license.