I’ve always imagined that if Neo-Conservatives were to keep journals, they would read as follows:

June 10, 2008

6:30 am: I woke up and immediately checked the lawn for any traces of the liberal who put the Obama sign in my yard Saturday. I am tempted to move my statue of Reagan onto the lawn for a few days so that the Williams family down the street doesn’t think that I’m… like that. I also checked the garage for signs of terrorists.

7:01 am: I saw a picture of Barack HUSSEIN Obama on the cover of the newspaper and threw it in the garbage. If that’s the crap that the media is going to try to feed me, I’m going to find the news myself.

7:43 am: I was eating cornflakes (an AMERICAN cereal) and Fox News said that Osbama is a Muslim. I’ve suspected this for over a year. More on this story as it develops.

8:24 am: I can’t find my morning American Flag lapel pin. My wife suggested that I go without the pin for a day. I suspect she secretly wishes that we would harbor terrorists in our house.

8:30 am: I hopped into my American Ford Truck and headed to work. John down the street tried betting me that it was manufactured in Canada, but I didn’t even look and told him that God as my witness it was an American Truck. He still refuses to pay me the money. If I had a chance to put somebody on the No-Fly list, his name would go on it in a heartbeat. Throw him into Guantanamo! I bet he doesn’t have any idea what it’s like in the armed services, serving the Great United States Of America. My cousin’s best friend was in the National Guard in the 80’s, so I know all about sacrifice.

8:47 am: Why the hell are all of these jerks going only 5 over the speed limit? I can afford to go a hell of a lot faster than this. There can only be a few possibilities, and I don’t like any of them.

  1. They all are driving slow to save gas and “save” the environment. This is crap, as it has been proven that we have a limitless supply of gas under the earth.
  2. They all can’t afford to expend any extra money on gas, and can’t drive faster now. They should get off their hippie asses and get a real man’s job.

11:15 am: On my cigarette break, I heard Rush say that Obama wants to make anyone who makes more than 100k a year pay 90% of their yearly salary in taxes. I was so angry I almost used the name of Our Great Lord in vain. Dan and I decided that the liberal politicians are a vitriolic cancer on the liver of our Great God Blessed Nation. Rush also said that Obama would want to personally fund Hamas, with whom he is best friends and it has been proven by Fox News. I’m kicking myself on not seeing the link before.

3:55 pm: Change the National Color Coded Terror Alert Level to red. It would match the color of my face. I heard one of the interns say that Bush is not good, not average, but an awful president. The person (from finance, I forget his name. Whatever, I have a better job) even agreed! It’s no wonder that they have such a low station in life. If they can’t even show the President of the Great United States of America (God Bless America) the respect that is deserved, they will never make it. They might respond that Clinton was disrespected by Republicans, but he committed a sin against God. Unforgiveable.

5:21 pm: I heard on the radio from Hannity that McCain might lose to Obama in our state. It’s only a matter of time before the Muslim terrorists are in the White House and make us attack Isreal with the money they took from me in taxes. I will consider liberal-proof bomb shelters for our house, and it’ll need to last 100 years, because the liberals will have no respect for our Constitution of the Great Land of America (God Bless). I almost yelled out an unforgiveable word, but the Jesus figurine staring at me from my dashboard reminded me of the Christian principles for which I stand wholeheartedly.

6:13 pm: My daughter tried telling me that I should think about how it feels to be poor in a developing country, and that maybe I should give them money. It almost goes without saying that I sent her to bed without dinner. I don’t know what liberal garbage they teach in these Madrassa schools they have kids go to nowadays. She can come out if she admits that the current “recession” (which it isn’t by the strictest definitions and I can still afford everything, so I don’t know why the liberal media is attacking Bush) wasn’t the fault of anyone, and that Ronald Reagan is the greatest leader that the world has ever seen.

7:00 pm: My wife tried to turn off Fox to watch something else. My suspicions from earlier are growing.

9:13 pm: I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how great George Bush is. He has managed to fight the terrorists, something that Bill Clinton never did. Did he ever attack Al Qaeda? I don’t think so. In fact, I know he didn’t. Before a year was up Bush got his butt into gear and avenged American blood. All you ever see from the liberals is taxing and retreating. It’s unimaginable that any sane person would elect them. Half of the country must therefore be insane, and should be sent to their own liberal island so that they can tax and run away from each other while talking to terrorists.

10:30 pm: I put coffee in the coffee pot for tomorrow and found my American Flag lapel pin. My week isn’t ruined.

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