Ode to WaWa – A Jersey Story

To those of you trapped within the confines of limited convenience and quality at merchants such as 7-Eleven, Cumberland Farms, Quick Mart, or any other local Stop’n Shop, I submit you don’t know what you’re missing. Sure we New Jersuits pay ridiculous auto insurance premiums, high state income taxes, bloated property taxes, and suffer from dirty air and dirtier waterways. But for all her ills, mother Jersey does provide for one luxury that any self respecting Garden Stater cannot live without.

I’m talking about WaWa.

The very ramparts from which we defend our idle lifestyle, WaWa provides us with a multitude of medium quality services augmented by an abundance of locales and expedient service.

I’m sure most of you are saying to yourselves, what in tarnations is WaWa. If you might indulge me, I have prepared a short yet potent list of all those wonderful things you are missing:

1. The Cheapest Gas you will find anywhere in the lower 48 states including Puerto Rico. Not only that, but there are always more pumps and attendants than there are cars in the lot.  Remember now, we ordinary civilians of the Jers are strictly forbidden from performing the fine art of fuel transfer.
2. Coffee - oh the coffee. Fresh, Hot! (cuidado caliente), and of many flavors and levels of caffeination – If you cannot find a Joe to your liking at WaWa then surely you will die an unhappy death as you are obviously impossible to please.
3. Touch Screen ordering of a Sandwich (hereafter referred to in NJ vernacular as a Hoagie). Language barrier? Idiocy? Long Lines? Nothing stands in the way of a quick and painless request for Hoagie goodness. Place your order, take your slip, finish your shopping, pay at the register, and return triumphant to the sandwich counter where your Hoagie awaits your tender embrace.
4. Groovy Computerized Cash Register Sound Effects. These include the “beep – zoop” sound made when an item is scanned, your generic “cha ching” when the register opens, and my personal favorite – the alarm that sounds in the event the clerk abandons his or her post with the drawer open that sounds like a flock of killer robotic geese from a science fiction movie written and directed by the spawn of the unnatural mating of Alfred Hitchcock and Michael Bay.
5. They’re Everywhere! “Oh no, I forgot to stop at WaWa!” Fear not weary traveler, you are sure to pass five more branches before you reach your destination. I challenge anyone to drive more than 5 miles in a straight line in any single direction, anywhere in NJ, without passing a WaWa.
6. Gift Cards Galore: It’s Christmas Day and you still need to buy a gift for that annoying cousin or drunk uncle that you feel obligated to buy a gift for but don’t care to put any thought or effort of any kind into such an offering. Not a problem, WaWa is the only store in the country that is open and you will pass eight of them before you get to any family gathering. Kohls, Blockbuster, Best Buy, or even WaWa herself – there is a gift card at WaWa to suit anyone not suited for a real gift.

If you have never had the pleasure of shopping at our Covenant of Convenience, I ask you, nay I implore you; cash in your saved vacation time. Turn in your frequent flyer miles. Empty your bank account. Sell your children into servitude. Whatever the cost, you must do what is necessary to come to New Jersey and check out WaWa for yourself.

Why else would so many people cram into this dirty, smelly, and expensive little state we call New Jersey?

~Man Overboard

Image Used in this Post

WaWa image courtesy of Flickr user Mstephens7 published under the CC license.