This Week’s Horoscope

Aries – After years of wishing you were a Jedi, you will finally realize how to use the Force. Unfortunately for the world, you will spend the rest of your life picking up cars with your mind and throwing them against buildings.

Taurus - After watching footage of the Pope on TV you will be inspired to join the priesthood. Soon after, you will realize the err of your ways when you remember you’ve never been attracted to young boys.

Gemini – After a long week of work you’ll begin to feel that your life is nothing more than a dream. The next morning you will wake up screaming, only to discover you are seven again.

Cancer – During a long sought after job interview you will inadvertently use the word broham. Lucky for you IQ doesn’t factor in to being a lifeguard.

Leo – Your magnetism, while great for attracting women, will cause you serious harm when you walk past the local shrapnel factory on Thursday evening.

Virgo - You will achieve your fifteen minutes of fame, only to spend the rest of the hour in a deep and horrible depression. Somewhere around the twenty minute mark you will marry K-Fed.

Libra – You will achieve enlightenment soon after repeating the potent mantra WaWa 333 times.

Scorpio - This week will be as dreadfully uneventful as the last 1,040 have been. Sorry.

Sagittarius – You really don’t want to know.  Just avoid Taco Bell at all costs.  And don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Capricorn - After years of playing a real guitar you will realize the err of your ways after witnessing Guitar Hero.

Aquarius - You will grow dreadlocks and to your dismay soon find yourself nicknamed Vegatu. Your dreadlocked brother will soon tell you “I told you so”, as he himself was once dubbed Predator.

Pisces – Upon completing a degree in history and suffering through ten years of mediocre jobs you will stumble upon the book “The History of Unemployed History Majors”. Unfortunately, the irony won’t hit you for another ten years.