In Celebration of yet another installment in George Romero’s *blank* of the Dead series, I have compiled a brief inventory of 10 must-haves in the event you find yourself smack-dab in the middle of Diary of the Dead.
1. Shotgun (infinite ammo required): When zombie heads need ‘splodin, accept no substitutes.
2. Bottled Water and Non-perishables: You’re going to be held-up in your makeshift impenetrable fortress for some time. After all, we are yet to establish how long it takes for a zombie to starve to death – if at all. The water will run out first, so a means of capturing rain water will be in order.
3. Hammer and Nails: Your landlord just had to install a bay window in your living room. Now you’re going to need something to hold back the zombie mob. Take interior doors off of hinges, remove studs from non-load bearing walls, and nail said materials over windows and presto – instant Zombie barrier.
4. Gun/Survival Enthusiast: The Family Ties guy from tremors would be ideal due to limited mental weaknesses but if Burt is not available you will need an Ex-cop, Marine, Navy Seal, or Heavy Weight Champion to form the backbone of your ground defense. Caution: These characters are inevitably bitten and become formidable Zombies. Plan for the worst.
5. Lawnmower: warning – not for the squeamish – Best zombie moment EVER!
6. Blunt Objects: Reference Shaun of the Dead. Go for durability. I’m thinking Aluminum Easton or a Tire Iron. Avoid wood, thin shafts, and remember, knives are useless – they’re zombies, stupid.
7. Body Armor: Remarkably omitted from most Zombie flicks. We’re not stopping bullets here, just teeth. I’m thinking full Kevlar, helmet with Lexan face shield, steel toed boots, and chain mail gloves. Provided there are enough of you, try to combine the armor with the blunt objects and utilize a Phalanx formation to stop the Zombies dead in their tracks at the point of entry into your recently penetrated impenetrable fortress.
8. Hard Decision Maker: Sooner or later little Timmy will get bitten and become a Zombie. Someone needs to make the easy – yet surprisingly debated decision to put one in Timmy’s head before he turns. If not, Zombie Timmy will kill the Gun Enthusiast, the Promiscuous Harlot, the Elderly Couple, the Comic Relief, and of course break down the barrier causing a catastrophic breach of anti-zombie security. This scenario consistently repeats itself with only the Protagonist, his love interest, and the guy you’ve wished dead since opening credits left alive.
9. Gassed up Truck Just Beyond Reach: So there’s ten of you and the truck seats four. Not to worry. The rest of the group won’t make it. I’m thinking at least half will die during the dash. Hint: You don’t want to be the first out the door or the last. When in doubt, stay close to someone slower than you.
10. Last Rights: Nobody survives a Zombie invasion – Nobody. The sooner you accept this fact and make peace with your untimely demise the sooner the director can have his final scare that kills off you and the remainder of your party thus ending the flick and cutting directly to credits backed up by generic death-metal.
11. Ving Rhames
12. Topless women, zombie or otherwise.
I’m assuming that the lawnmower is from Dead Alive, which was horrifyingly disgusting and yet entertaining.
the more powerful the guns the better haha
13. Bruce Campbell. It may not have been zombies but no one is greater than Ash with a chainsaw and a shotgun.
14. RIOT GEAR – should replace body armour.
a shotgun is useless at distance, almost any gun would be better.
Unless zombification causes some type of glandular transformation of the mouth a la Blade II and thus dousing oneself in the blood and spatter of the undead carries no inherent risk of infection, I’m voting no on the lawnmower.
Also, your nearest industrial kitchen supplier will probably have those chainmail gloves you’re after, but since Kevlar alone won’t stop a knife I’m gonna have to say the body armor as listed wouldn’t be very effective. I’d go with abs plastic and heavy cloth padding like in the new RollerBall.
15. MacGyver … ever-useful
I’m going to have to go ahead and call FOUL on the Rollerball reference. Bad form Epochs.
Otherwise your hypothesis on the spreading of the infection by the lawnmower warrants further study. I’ll have the lab look into it.
Definately liking the Bruce Campbell suggestion Jim. I was hoping you would pick up this thread.
Refernce above comment regarding the chainsaw splatter contamination risk.
Nice to know I am appreciated. Thank you kindly good sir.
Jack interested in your opinion on an article I wrote a few days ago click to check it out. It’s about B-Movies.
My apologies for referencing my own blog. Won’t happen again.
How about Will Smith’s apartment in “I Am Legend”, you need some type of strong-hold to live in. That place has everything!
A laptop with wireless card so you can keep blogging. I just couldn’t help myself.
Ha, very good. I have no fear of things really hitting the fan, and whatever that may bring. It is the fear of no Internet that keeps me up at night.
I’m afraid of no monsters but I’m afraid without anything to eat at the refrigerator!
Zombie Food Pyramid. Know they enemy.
Jim – awesome stuff, my good man.
Horde not firearms but ammunition, for that will be the currency of the post-apocolyptic world.
Oh, and as far as fortifications go – I intend to barricade a Target Greatland complete with grocery store in order to obtain food, clothing, ammunition, weapons, trading materials, and pretty much anything else one could ever think of in terms of immediate survival if the world we live in collapsed.
P.S. – I am smarter and more bad-ass than all of you, so I will live and you will beg me for my Target Greatland supplies. Muwahahahahahahaha (evil genius laugh).
Thank you good sir however your plan is flawed. The government will shoot you then take your bunker from you. You must arm your self with swords and axes. Get Bruce Campbell. Get a bunch fuel. Get a shitload of shotgun shells. Get MacGyver. Get gum and tin foil and other random everyday use shit. This guy will build a laser fence around your perimeter that cuts zombies into pieces. Cold fusion generator(Hey if you can have Ash and MacGyver you can have Cold Fusion). Don’t worry about food and water that’s what you have MacGyver for he will design a hydroponic garden and breed small animals to maximize meat potential. Have all this stuff in the middle of absolute nowhere. Preferred heavily wooded area. Be prepared to light shit up. Inside laser fence ditch filled with dried wood soaked in kerosene. Access to underground cave system with underwater stream. Also must bring computer and with wireless transmitter to connect to the other survivors and make sure they come no where near you. Also bring assortment of blowup dolls and porn. Bring 3-4 times as many women as men. This means 4 for you, 4 for BC and 4 for Macgyver. Fuck everyone else trying to save others will just get you killed. Should you follow these steps you should survive long enough for some one to do something insanely stupid like take a stroll to bed a woman in the middle of the woods just because she wants some privacy or listening to the pleas of people on the radio and feeling guilty so you decide to tell them where you are as the have some one bit by zombie but they don’t know it yet or Ash decides he would rather take the fight to the zombies or MacGyver realizes he does not need you or Ash and by killing you his chances of survival greatly increase because after all he is MacGyver. Well he would most the women too. Realizing that you have spent way entirely too much time typing this response in search of something that resembles a life but knowing that your existence is so sad and pathetic that you actually put this much thought into this pull out the gun and just kill yourself already.
Hey guys. Happy Friday.
Remember to keep a bullet for yourself and your totty – Better dead than zed!
The most importanty lesson to remember when fighting a zed epidemic is to throw all of your plans to the wind. The yanks will always tell you that barricades and ‘safe zones’ will always save your ass. The best plan of action is to think on your toes, house by house, street by street. Unfortunately this leaves little time for plot and character relationship development, so if you want to fall in love with the hot (but blood-soaked) supermarket shelf staker or duke it out with the mental hillbilly that wants your truck, you’ll just have to accept that you’re going to die. Keep on your feet, zeds hate nothing more than moving targets.
And I second the shotgun. Its the only thing zeds are afraid of.
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Knives aren’t useless. A long blade through the eye socket will easily dispatch any zombie.
An excellent point Karl. Used in this manner a knife would certainly do the job.
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I just wanted to say that I love this site
I wouldn’t stay at my home cause poeple always try and loot homes so I’d go to where I work. I know the lay out and I know that I could ether change it into a long term place or just a quick stop for the night. There’s several places that have food around it. It has it’s own machine shop and gen. so it will have power and way of to repair most things. There’s a fenced in area in the rear of the store that would be ideal for getting in and out of car without the fear of zed’s getting you.It has a second floor that I could easly set up to be a fall back with no way for the zed’s to get at. I agree that even a light form of body armor should be a must to anyone’s zed backup plan. As weapons go a 22 with scope for huntingn (ammo shouldn’t be to hard cause most poeple will go for something bigger). A pump shot gun for muti zed’s in close quarters it also could be a sawed off so you can turn with it better. A pistol of some make for more fine tunning with making deals with fellow survivors. I think a sword is another must if you really think about how many different ways it can be used sure a ax might be shorter but that is not always a good thing when something is tring to eat you. A group should only be 3-6 people but anymore then that you will start to attract unwonted attention from zed’s or other survivors. If you haven’t seen it there was a reality show on Discovery channel about a group of people who had to survive and they had some good ideas. I know that this was a long post but I’m at work so I’m getting payed to write this.
This post first had me laughing, then thinking “What if?” I’m a military vet and I’ve been to Iraq. Point is, I’ve learned about some ingenious ways to explode things. Here’s my plan:
1. Armament – Blades aren’t useless here. The truth is, I’d rather have a really sharp samurai type sword than a gun in this instance. My weapons of choice – A samurai sword and a shotgun, hand grenades if available (won’t be).
2. Gather necessities – As much food and water as possible. Canned goods – as many as possible. Warm clothing and raingear. It’s tough to fight if you’re cold, wet and miserable. Trust me. Oh, yeah- Get tons of matches, lighters, fertilizer (great explosive when doused with fuel) and fuel. Some old rags and all the liquor bottles you can find (preferably full) for Molotov cocktails. Keep a full bottle in case you get bitten. Then you can at least turn into a zombie drunk. Drinks, anyone?
3. Fighting position – Take high ground. The roof of my apartment complex would do. Re-inforce the perimeter. Set boobie traps and rig an explosive vest to yourself. I’m taking as many of them as I can with me when the time inevitably comes.
4. Take a drink and get ready to wreck shop!
Two very awesome comments in a row. Bravo Zombie Killers!
Update 1: Choosing vechicle’s
First off yes a hummer or a large military truck might sound more useful. Ya you could just switch to another one but then you’d have to rearmor and etc. and in the long run your more likely to find parts and be able to work on a old chev or ford anyway. With them you won’t have to worry about all the electronic’s in these new cars. I work at a auto parts store so I know that most people don’t know anything past a basic tune up so messin with all that will not turn out good. Now I’m not trying to be mean but that’s just that way it is. But if I had a chose I would go with one or two options. A 68 comaro with a setup similar setup from the punisher movie with thomas jane where they have sliding metal window sheilds. They have have large engine bays so their easy to work on and suped up. The other thing I’d add would be a tow hitch for one of those small closed in uhaul trailers. Their ideal for haulin supplies and you can unhook it and hide it. You could also sleep in it if needed. The other one I would choose would be an old pickup and what I’d really like to find a old steel twinkie trailer. Those you could have some fun with. But the best chose would be a camper on the back like in the first xmen. It would need some major armor upgrades but I think it would be worth it. But no matter what you get a good mountin bike is a must. Just make sure you have patches! lol
Gasoline will no doubt be in short supply, but you will need some power and off road capability, so I’m going with the Hummer.
What you always need in a zombie invasion is one of those do-gooder types, maybe a televangelist, who will say, “We don’t need to kill them. We can talk to them and settle it without violence.” Then you let him go out to negotiate with the zombies. The do-gooder will inevitably believe that waving a white linen hankerchief is the universal zombie sign of, “friend”. The zombies will pause for a moment with their heads tilted like the RCA Victor dog as the do-gooder reaches his hand out in a gesture of friendship. Then they will look at each other then devour the do-gooder extended hand and all. That’s your cue to start throwing molotov cocktails as a momentary diversion between the zombies and the barn. Then you run like Hell from the house for the barn to that rickety pick up truck to make your getaway…if some zombies see you, blast some cover fire. Don’t forget to help that hot chick who was catatonic up until this point but now screaming hysterically huddled in the corner refusing to get up. Just help her up…take my word for it. She’ll pay you back later. It happens in all the movies.
ZDT,s ten Commandments are better for survival, if that is truly what you want to do… and Max Brooks could,t kill the undead if they were already dead already… Seriously, has the guy ever even split wood or used a cahinsaw his whole life? Ever? I think he might find a wet paper bag more his skill level as far as zombie slaying goes that is. take a look at zombiedefensetactics dot com