52 Awesome Predictions for the 2008 Baseball Season

1. Manny Ramirez cuts off a lock of hair, places it in his suitcase, and gets arrested for possession of a controlled substance before boarding a chartered flight.

2. Bud Selig finally takes some blame for overseeing a rule-breaking, unscrupulous system, instead of taking credit for Baseball’s most prosperous – yet scandalous era. I really cannot believe he was just rewarded with a 3 year extension.

3. Derek Jeter and Tom Brady give interviews on each other’s behalf since they both regurgitate the same answer anyway. In fact a life-sized cardboard cut-out depicting each in ‘Wheatiesesque’ fashion concealing a tape recorder would provide a refreshing alternative.

4. Curt Schilling writing many more blogs. This will be recommended rehabilitation for his bum shoulder.

5. Francisco Rodriguez establishes a patented break-dance to bust into after each save against a team that is 16 games below .500.

6. Jonathan Papelbon comes clean about being actor John Lithgow’s bastard son.

7. The YESNetwork heeds the words of Michael Kay’s contrived home run call and says, “SEEEE YAAAA” to the bum. Sorry Michael, but you were much better on radio – where the size of your head was better obstructed by John Sterling’s loud screaming.

8. Umpires stop warning both benches after one pitcher throws inside. Seriously, baseball needs to get back to business and allow players to enforce the game. I mean come on, has steroids made these players soft?

9. Jose Canseco finally gets what’s coming to him. Sorry buddy, while much of what you spew is true, no one likes a rat. Please see Dante’s Inferno to understand what Hell has in store for those who betray their benefactors. That’s right, you don’t know how to read.

10. Larry Lucchiano and John Henry realize they transformed the once proud Red Sox Nation into everything they hate – the Yankees.

11. Derek Jeter, er Tom Brady’s cardboard cut-out, announces 2008 will be the last year he plays Shortstop at Old Yankee Stadium. Sabermetric guru’s everywhere rejoice, until they realize the 2009 season will be played in New Yankee Stadium. Which brings me to my next point.

12. Stan Lee unveils Marvel’s latest comic dynasty, SaberMetric. Rob Neyer is honored to hear Derek Jeter’s defense will be the prime antagonist. It is after all true, inferior zone rating can bring about the end of the Universe.

13. Ichiro continues to look 15.

14. Sports analysts actually explain the concepts of Moneyball and VORP to the casual fan. I have an inclination that they do not quite understand themselves. There is no room for Voodoo in baseball anyway – sorry Jobu.

15. A thorough explanation into why playing Fantasy Baseball is cool, but engaging in MMORPG attrition is not. I mean both universe’s are equally fake.

16. Troy Tulowitzki and Hanley Ramirez both get more ESPN exposure. The National League really has some great shortstops (Jimmy Rollins, Jose Reyes, Adam Everett). Too bad that’s all the NL has going for it.

17. Speaking of the NL, with Joe Torre out of New York and off to Los Angeles, Willie Randolph needs to find his pulse and light a fire under his Mets. There is too much talent going to waste there, especially with the addition of Johan Santana. There will be no collapse this year.

18. More on Santana, can we all applaud Twins General Manager Bill Smith for upholding a long held baseball cliché? With the trade packages offered by the Red Sox and the Yankees, you should have struck while the iron was hot.

19. Roger Clemens, I don’t care what you have to say, but I bet Congress cares about your syringes.

20. Manny, for the love of God, please pretend there is something in your eye the next time you launch a 440 foot home run onto Lansdowne Street, just standing at the plate looking like the Predator is obnoxious.

21. Albert ‘Winnie the’ Pujols returns to his familiar self, crushing the hopes and dreams of NL pitchers nationwide.

22. In a long awaited tirade, Joe Girardi kicks the New York media out of his office after the Yankees first two game slide. Of course the impetus of this mess occurred when reporters asked Joe if he felt his job was in jeopardy. Did I mention this all takes place after the second game of the season.

23. Major League Baseball sends Old Yankee Stadium out in style – with Bud Selig announcing he personally injected his comb-over with performance enhancing drugs.

24. Seriously though, special tribute must be paid to the Museum of Baseball during the All Star celebration in New York this year.

25. Eric Byrnes does more special guest appearances on various sports shows. I don’t know what it is about Byrnes, but the guy is hilarious. I think it is because he looks like Side Show Bob and acts like my retarded friends from High School. All that aside, he is a damned good left fielder on an exciting young baseball team.

26. Speaking of which, Diamondbacks outfielder Justin Upton is going to be an outstanding baseball player for a very long time.

27. Hollywood Joe Torre becomes the official spokesman of Bigelow Tea.

28. Andruw Jones awakens from his coma, remembers he is a Hall of Famer in his prime and realizes he can still hit a baseball.

29. Scott Boras curses Poseidon and gets cast adrift on a ten year Odyssey to his Bank. I really can’t stand that guy.

30. Grady Sizemore makes a bid for the American League MVP. Great young players are the real key to the game’s success (sorry it’s not you Bud Selig).

31. David Ortiz hits a shot right into Ted Williams’ red seat. Hard to believe but I am a Big Papi fan. A great heart with one hell of a swing. Honestly, Ortiz represents the Hiroshima Effect, knock your opponent into submission enough times and they become your biggest ally.

32. A-Rod continues his torrid abuse of mediocre pitching, along with his conquering of Toronto blonde’s.

33. Joba Chamberlain proves he is the real deal, whether it is in the rotation or in the pen. His slider gives me nightmares.

34. Johan Santana’s arm detaches as a result of throwing 900 plus innings over the last 4 years. Baseball player’s are just not equipped for that kind of abuse anymore. At least he has a 6 year $137.5 million deal to ease his pain.

35. A-Rod opts out of his $275 million contract after he is abused by dominant pitching. Fausto Carmona has the nastiest sinker in the league.

36. Another insect infestation helps the Cleveland Indians advance further into the playoffs. Only this time, it is the Red Sox who are victimized after the bugs try to nest in Manny’s hair. Except this time it will be followed up by a rule change allowing the Red Sox to advance thanks to the freshly minted Act of God Clause (we hate the Yankees) during the game.

37. The Cubs unbelievable drought continues.

38. A lineup featuring Gary Sheffield, Maglio Ordonez, and Miguel Cabrera gets arrested for involuntary manslaughter of left handed American League pitching. That is one brutal gauntlet right there.

39. The Minnesota Twins realize plans for an outdoor stadium are ill conceived, but no one seems to care since the richest owner in baseball is too damn cheap to keep his best players. Imagine what that team would do if they actually spent some cash? Nevertheless, their player development staff should be commended.

40. Red Sox Nation faces a moral quandary when Golden Boy Tom Brady comes into Fenway wearing a Yankee hat.

41. Meanwhile that very hat and Gisele Bündchen will prompt a victory parade down the Canyon of Heroes.

42. The same can be said for Lebron James in Cleveland.

43. Hank Steinbrenner continues providing the New York Media with one sound bite after another. “Hold on a second guys I just gotta wipe…”

44. The Kansas City Royals continue to return small market glory.

45. The Florida Marlins quickly dash those hopes.

46. Where have you gone Baltimore Orioles? But do not fret you are not as awful as the Yankees were in the 80s. Eric Bedard makes hitters look foolish – too bad you guys traded him to the Mariners.

47. The Orioles may lose 100 games this season – they have that going for them, which is nice.

48. Dontrelle Willis adds fire to an already intimidating pitching staff.

49. Jon Garland’s addition to the Angels will be significant as well.

50. Curt Schilling puts up a new blog post.

51. When spring training starts, Manny will show up late – except there will be nothing fashionable about it.

52. Prince Fielder continues his Reign of Terror on the NL Central.

Images Used in this Post

Derek Jeter image courtesy of Flickr user Rafael Amado Deras published under the CC license.

Manny Ramirez’s Driver’s License image courtesy of Flickr user BallGame68 published under the CC license.